Sober

To her I was nothing right? Or maybe I was everything? She was my world, my love, my other half… Everything.  I covered her butt to many times. I put up with a lot more than I should have and for what? Her to leave? Not give a crap about me or the fact she’s my everything? 

It hurts to care so much that your LITERALLY blinded by love! The betrayal that comes with it, the heartbreak. Oh, screw that your heart was ripped out and stomped on after being shredded! You’re scared of touch, you’re fearful of attachment and you are TERRIFIED OF LETTING SOMEONE IN! 

You can literally get addicted to sadness and pain. Once addicted its very hard to let go or move on. It’s a true illness. It takes everything to fight talking to that person, it takes everything to get to the point where you’re fighting not to talk to them. It’s a war within yourself. 

You love this person in spite of all they have put you through but you finally have to put yourself and your needs first. It’s complicated and it hurts and it’s like taking an recovering alcoholic to a bar and expecting them not to drink. 

Alcoholism runs in my family, it’s an illness. So is drug abuse and many many more things. It’s an illness, these addictions are illnesses. Hear me out. I know I’m talking about drugs and alcohol and everybody hates that but think about it, those things are toxic to us. People can be toxic too. Making this just as real as any other addiction. Codependency kinda a problem for me. It wasn’t until about 6 years ago and then a year ago the person I was codependent of left my life in a very fast very painful way everything was exposed and it was like a bomb went off and I’m  still doing damage control. I have tried alcohol and to be honest I loved the way it tasted and the way it made me feel BUT I hated the fact I craved it. During that time I watched my dad struggle with not being able to resist his cravings for it. I on the other hand could but I couldn’t resist the craving of talking to that one person. My craving for that person was I’d be safe in saying it was as bad as my dad’s craving for liquor at the time.  Now that is scary to think back on.

Now just over a year later my dad’s been sober for a bit and well I listen to the song Clean by Taylor Swift from the 1989 album and think over these lines 

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

Clean ~ Taylor Swift

Constantly listening to this song and thinking I can’t wait until I can say ten months. For now it’s only been a month and wow it feels so impossible but I’m doing it. Honestly I never truly saw how manipulative and wrong our relationship was until it was over. I knew it wasn’t right but I tolerated it and loved her through it. Still love her, but I finally couldn’t deal with only being needed or wanted when everything was falling apart with everyone else. 

One of the hardest things to do is to write a goodbye letter/message to the girl you love so much you’d do anything for her even destroy yourself. But when you finally realize that (a) it’s easier for you to remove yourself from their life and stop hurting yourself constantly and (b) if someone can take your sights off God because you’re scared of offending them or whatever than it’s no longer an option for you to be around them. It has taken me so long to realize that, yes I chose to turn from God for that person, trust me I don’t discount my action in fact I hold all the blame because I never should have let that happen but it did and I had to rectify that. The point is I loved and still love her. You can’t let someone interfere with your relationship with God or your mental health. 

I had to block her on everything to avoid the urges or try to anyway. I still almost unblock and message her every time something important/crazy happens in my life. I almost add her number back to my phone and call her to tell her I’m sorry and beg her to take me back even though I know I’ll be ditched again. Every time I don’t I almost do. That’s a Taylor Swift song too on the album Red. Track 7 “I almost do”.

Anyways…

 I guess the whole point of this blog was to say please don’t let things that have happened to you define you. Bad things happen to everyone, it’s how you handle it that counts. I’ve known a lot of people who have had many of different situations in life and honestly some handled it better than others. I haven’t had a horrible life but contrary to what most everyone I grew up arounds beliefs about the perfect little pastors daughters life; it hasn’t been perfect either. 

As for the girl I spoke about, I have always and will forever love her. But it’s time to do what’s best for me as I know she’s doing what she feels is best for her. Our memories. Our time. Our day. All of those things will always be with me. I pray that we find peace.