Questions

But lately, what I’ve been crying about most is myself the person I used to be and lost and the person in the present with no clue about her future.

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Hello and welcome back to the Realm of Nothing!!! I am the Queen of Nothing right? Or is that just who I pretend to be? Do I really believe that nothing is everything and everything is nothing? I know I have been so mixed with my messages lately with Sober 2.0 and well I think that is the main mixed message I am not sure. Quite frankly I am SO fucked up in my mind right now I cannot tell what’s really right and left or up and down.  

I used to know exactly who I was. I was Hailey Marie (Black) Isaacs “Pastor Joe’s daughter” straight A student, never miss a Sunday, always do what’s right not what’s easy, veterinarian/teacher want to be. That is where I saw myself. I saw myself at 17 -18 with the story book romance being with the one I loved and about to walk down the aisle at Graduation Day. Then go to the university of Florida, maybe I can be a teacher and a vet who cares I will have time to work out the details right? Maybe get married around 22 or 23 then by the time I get whichever degree I want I will be ready to be a mom. But life has other ideas, right? God specifically has a different plan.  

It is 2021, it’s grad year. My class so many are preparing to graduate, the displays are everywhere, every time I go into work it’s there in my face. Here’s the thing I am super proud of everyone who is graduating this year and support them fully. I also have no regrets when it comes to the decision I made, I made it for my mental and physical health and that’s hella more important than some stereotype. But here’s where I am mentally. Good for them but just because I made a MATURE or stupid (however the frick you want to see it) decision doesn’t mean it was bloody easy. You don’t know what someone is going through or their reasons for doing whatever it is they did. Which brings me back to a point I think everyone should think about including myself; Just because someone did something YOU do not freaking approve of does not make them not worth it or a bad person. Check yourself before you wreck yourself honestly. I’ve had to do a lot of that lately so trust me I’m not just shifting responsibility. Or telling you something that I would not try to put into or try to put into action myself. 

Now onto more questions…. I hear that it is a normal teenage thing though, trying to find yourself. Making mistakes and learning things the hard way. Right? 

Want to know something I learned recently? Some lessons are shitty. The lesson most recently learned and hardest taken was that you can so easily become the person you hate in a heartbeat. It’s dark and scary but it happens. I did that I was the person I didn’t want to be. I hurt someone pretty bad, and I can’t change it and don’t have the option to make it better. BUT I can forgive myself and move forward and be more cautious as to not do it again. Guess what though? No matter how hard you try you will never be perfect so stop trying just to be you and be a better you be kinder. Pay attention to how you feel to, because Honey it isn’t just about them. It’s about you too and there is such a thing as taking TO MUCH responsibility. Own up to your actions but know that it’s a two-way street. 

Next, if you’re still with me?🔨🍷. 

I always wonder why I’m the only one not in a relationship always curious why the hopeless romantic the one who is die hard true love believer why she hasn’t found someone she can actually see herself with? Simple answer she had to at the very least begin to accept things about herself, plus there is more to life than dating (no offence). I used to only want to be in a relationship it was like my only desire but now I’m like dude that would be okay and don’t get me wrong I still want that, but I want the old school lets be friends for a while and build up a bond then outta nowhere ask me out and shock me but flatter me and come tell/meet my family. Bruh lets go old school. Trust me on this I want to flatter you a bit too. But I want all this I want it to be real and mean something and not be pointless or a waste of either of our times. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is nah I don’t give a rip about a relationship right now because I wanna hang out, I wanna be a kid. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again and I want to go have some fun, go on long drives, go to the beach or camping or horseback riding or try something new or even just star gazing and yeah, I wanna share that with someone but I don’t want to rush a relationship because I want those memories to lead to the wedding or family dinner or whatever. If I am for you, I’m for the long haul. And I’d hope you are too. I want a solid foundation and hey if we go out and make those memories as just friends and we both end up friends for life but married to different people I’m good with that; let’s make lifelong memories to tell our families so they can make fun of us or whatever. Sturdy foundation is important in a friendship and a relationship so let’s work on the foundation and see where life takes us?  

Another question I have always pondered the answer to is why, why the fuck is this on me? Why do I have to be strong? Just why? This one I don’t know the answer to, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone. Or that it builds character? Tests my relationship with the man upstairs. I’m still not sure but these are theories. It also raises questions like why do I push everyone away? If I’m such a romantic, why do I push everyone out?  Ha the answer to this one I could do a separate blog on but it’d be depressing as fuck. So, I’m going to give you a simple/ less depressing answer. I think. Once someone sees what it’s really like to be with me all the sickness all the depression all the anger all of that their gonna walk away or at least that’s what my mind says so to avoid any more damage and hurt just push them away simple right? Hurt myself for a few before they can hurt me longer aye?  

Anyways I think that will be all for this long depressing post. I’m sorry for the length and the sadness but its reality so welcome to my mind? I love you guys and am so thankful for those of you who read my blog it means a lot. There will likely be more like this as we walk into my dark mind and try to figure life out but nonetheless you never have to read it if you don’t want to 🙂 

Hails 🥀🖤