Fury

She was angry. So angry even her own power scared her. 

They say that a woman’s silence says it all, but does it really? What if her silence is just the beginning? What if her silence is the entry into a war zone of her own creation?  

These questions all passed through my mind as I could no longer hold the silence yet couldn’t say what I meant. All the memories, all the tears, all the love the time all of what I could never get back. Were they wasted years? Wasted tears? Was it all for nothing, when I gave her my all, but it didn’t mean a thing? Or maybe it did can we ever be sure? I tried to patch things up, to give you a second chance but not even a second more like a I don’t even know what number I lost track over the years! When you left, I was sad and heartbroken I couldn’t eat, breathe or sleep without you! Not to mention the fact I couldn’t even try to replace you or even think about it or even let anyone into my life BUT you YOU went behind my back, chose them over me always and then when they’re all gone who was there? When they hurt you? Who picked up the pieces? When they weren’t there who was?!? Who stood by you no matter what stupid decision you made? I did! Why did I spend all of those nights taking care of you and pushing everyone else out so you could have all of me when you were intending to give them your all instead of me?!? I used to cry about it. My 11:11 was that we would be us again. That you would come back that you would for once just ONCE choose me!  

Over and over, we go through this and each time I get depressed, but this time is different. I’m not sad or depressed not even a little blue. I’ve had it with the games and the torture of my soul! I can breathe without you, you needed me I didn’t need you! I wanted you there’s a difference!  

But… 

As I stand here holding the shattered pieces of our memories, I realize that it’s always been a game to you, and it never actually mattered what I wanted. So, as I’m here alone at the grave of our lives together I’m not sad as the memories replay through my mind, every word. Every time we said I love you. No, I’m not sad at all. I’m furious! Who do you think you are toying with me like that all these years? Who was I to allow IT?!?  

I sat in silence all these years. Let you get away with so much because of how I loved you so. We were both guilty of things. I know I wasn’t the best of the best, but I was loyal and honest, and you truly were my heart! I gave you my all whilst you ran around behind my back… Time and time again I forgave you. Even when it put the most important and valuable relationships on the rocks. I abandoned the ones that REALLY needed me for YOU just for you to abandon me. When you came back, I took you back. No matter the time, no matter the circumstances. If you needed me, I was there, even when you didn’t want me. I protected you.  

Then any time I think I may finally be safe, clean, and getting somewhere you come back in and hit me like the flood hit the world during Noah’s time. I start to drown again and who is there to pick up my pieces? Who is there to help me remember I can trust? Who is there to love me?  

Lately I have not cried or been sad about our life together. Theres been this new feeling/emotion burning deep within my soul it feels like I imagine hell fire to feel, then picture yourself trapped on an island type deal with the hell fire and your worst enemy is throwing daggers around you like a game. You are not scared or confused but instead furious that you cannot do anything about it. That you cannot fight back. Furious. So furious in fact that you begin to conjure up all these feelings and you’re so furious you don’t even recognize yourself and you begin to finally take control of your life and pick up one of the daggers and it’s like a game show now; kill the enemy or yourself. If you kill the enemy, you win and get to go home stronger, if you choose yourself, you forfeit the game. Take control or forfeit which will it be?  

I choose to take control. They say hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn. But sometimes her scorn isn’t shown to others sometimes no one really knows when the woman is mad. Some women vocalize it, and some don’t. You have seen me “mad” over many of things, but never have I felt this.