July Twelfth

July 12th, 2022

Dear Always,
I feel like I talk to you more than I talk to myself when I’m talking to myself all the time. I talk so much about everything I imagine us to be, what I imagine myself to be, what I am, what I was, I give you certain qualities that obviously I don’t know if you actually have? Mostly though you have all the needs. And I’d like to think I meet your needs too. Tonight, I guess I just want to hear your voice real time more than anything, there are so many changes in my life, so many good things that I’ve been praying and waiting for and yet I’m terrified and feel blindsided and like there’s nothing actually happening? Hopefully that makes sense.
Second-guessing myself is a big issue. Not as big as me running when I see a possible future. I spaz. I over think, if I go out with this person and they aren’t you will I miss my chance at meeting you? If I’m actually willing to go out does that mean I’m forgetting her? What are these new challenges? Are you him? How will I know? What if I’m completely wrong about all of this and its all LIE?!? Does this change me? How would it change me? It’s like all these questions won’t stop rolling in. I had a plan, you and I were supposed to be together a year ago, I was also supposed to graduate but that’s a different story. We were supposed to be engaged, have this fancy as dinner with the family. I had it all planned out. Then everything changed. Now I wonder if you even exist still, and if you do are you going to want the challenges that come with being with me? Sure every relationship has its ups and downs but a significant other with multiple chronic illnesses? Oh and the mental illnesses? Who knows.
What I do know is that whoever you are, where ever you are… one day when we meet? You already have my heart.
Forever.