My Thoughts Of August… A Letter

August 10, 2022.

Dear Always,

I finished enrollment today. It’s a big step but that’s not what’s flooding my hearts eye. Surprisingly it isn’t the latest season of Virgin River or Legacies either. Nor is it my book the one I’m reading and the one I’m writing. No what floods my heart is far more disastrous. I fear it will consume me if I don’t share it soon but trouble is you’re the only one I seek to share it with…

You know the song “The Story of Us” by Taylor Swift? Yes, her again…I’m sorry but also not because this is who I am and she is such an inspiration. Anyway it’s about a couple and they broke up. But I feel like someone should do a remix of it meant for siblings. Because all I think about when I hear it is mine and my brothers relationship- if you can call it that. We hardly know eachother and we live together! He’s four years older than me and I’ve kinda always had this complex thing where I idolize him but also I made someone else up. All my imaginary friends were older guys. Brothers. Recently I’ve come to realize I don’t know my brother at all. We have good times rarely. But I cherish them. I know others have this issue which makes me feel bad about feeling bad about this problem. I hope that makes sense. And you’re probably thinking why not just talk to your therapist or parents about this? I can’t…okay I could but I don’t want to, I want to talk to you! I want to talk to someone who isn’t going to tell me I have to deal with this or this is just how things are! I want someone to just hear me!

I don’t know why it has to be you? Maybe because in a parallel world we’re already together and I don’t feel so alone, so isolated like my own damn family can’t stand me either. I don’t know. It’s just this tension. One that smothers. It was bad before but now it’s even worse. Maybe the ifs and maybes are just a distraction?

I know this letter has been all over the place. If one day you read it and we’re sitting together in our home that we built together I want you to know one thing about me…family is my everything and if I knew how to fix this void I would. I fight for what I believe in and I fight for what and who I love…I just want…I just want to know I’m not the only one fighting.

Xoxo xoxo Forever