The Wedding

Five years ago.

“Leave! Just LEAVE!” I say as my best friend stands in our room, my brother coming in right behind her mad and everything that’s going on isn’t making any sense to me. “You know I love you right? I wouldn’t do this if it didn’t need to be done. Nothing will change.” She says tears in her eyes.

Present

We always made plans together. Anytime we fell apart we would come back stronger… or so it seemed. Underneath the surface we were always broken.

Aliveya.

Today is her wedding. A day we used to plan and fanaticize about on a regular. She is surrounded by her groom’s family and her friends and family, and their baby is there, the ring bearer, probably in a little tuxedo or something. I am here at my 4-9 shift after classes and babysitting all morning. I just pulled into my stores parking lot I’m ten minutes early and smell like baby puke, probably because there’s some in my hair? The invite to the wedding is on my messenger. And my dash. Tonight, at 6 so around sunset? I’m trying not to think of it but it’s all that’s in my mind. I could make it, there’s an open bar too.

Instead, I throw the invite in the glove box with the others, wipe the stray tear that falls and head into work. Anyways I have something to look forward to my favorite customers smiles and my coworkers that have come to be my friends, plus he comes home tonight.

About an hour into my shift, I begin to picture her in her beautiful dress and him in his tux and there little one too. It’s like I feel all her emotions too, like when we were younger, but I know they’re only mine this time. I want so badly to be there, or to want to be there, I honestly can’t tell anymore. But I can picture all of it the flowers, the guests, the bridesmaids and groom’s men, the alter, and most importantly them and how her eyes sparkle when she sees him. Or how she glows when she hears the little one say “mommy”. All of it and how it is nothing like I always pictured it would be, because I wasn’t there with her. It wasn’t the way we had planned about all those years ago. How we are nothing like we used to be.

Some familiar faces and some new as is the customer service business. Mr. Carter wants his usual four packs of cigarettes 305s two purple and two green all short, Mrs. Chandler came in with another cooky story about the cats, someone new came in for coffee and was cool, so on and so forth. Typical night I suppose in between customers my manager Luna and I were stocking shelves and recovering and talking like always. No one was aware except my parents and my boyfriend but even my parents weren’t aware of the events that led to me not going.

Three months earlier

“SUPRISE!”  I walked into my house (a cottage like mobile home two bed two bath I share with my five cats and dog) “What the hell are you doing here?!? You scared me not to mention this is MY house and YOU shouldn’t be here this late without a heads up Aliveya!” I say clutching my chest and my keys.

“Oh, come on Marie, it’s not that late! Anyways I missed you!” She says smiling ear to ear, I know she has an alternate reason for being here.

“It’s ten o’clock at night Aliveya, I had a long night plus I have stuff to do first thing in the mor-” Before I can finish, she cuts me off with.

“Aren’t you going to ask how I got in? You should really use something other than your birth year” Of course as always she has a point but I’m still mad. “Why are you here?” I ask again this time more sternly.

“I told you I missed you.” She responds with that adorable friggin laugh. I hate you I think to myself knowing it’s impossible.

“You should have called or texted or something BUT driving THREE hours in the middle of the night?!?! What’s the real reason you’re HERE?” I express knowing my blood pressure is rising by the second. 

“I told you Marie, I just missed you. Here have a drink-” She handed me a Jack Daniels lemonade one of the few alcoholic beverages I like. I go against my better judgement as always with her and take the drink it has been a long day, I guess… I think to myself grabbing the drink but still…

“Why are you here?” I persist. Knowing that there is a motive.

“I missed you. Just take a load off and lets chill, like old times.” She says this with a smile. I know that smile.

“Why? Why now?” I ask needing an answer.

“Who’s the guy all over your snap? Anyone special? You guys are like always together so there’s gotta be something there? You two would make a cute as fuck couple!” She expresses herself and even though I really want to respond and spill everything to her just like old times I force myself not to. Anyways Red and I aren’t a thing yet…I don’t even know if he likes me like that…

“Don’t answer a question with a question.” I state not willing to budge. I didn’t get this far to fall back again…

“Don’t avoid my questions. I did some detective work on Facebook and found his. His cover is a pic of you, him, Jake and Savanah at some event. His arm was around you.” Aliveya again expresses this way to cheerily. There’s her motive.

“Okay? And?” I say feeling my blood beginning to boil.

“Well spill GIRL!” Showing her gossip girl side.

“Don’t worry about it.” Again, I stand firm. I am not going back there.

“B-” I didn’t let her finish.

“Drop It” This time I was angry.

“UGH fine.” Finally, subsiding. 

She drops the topic, and we talk for a good bit like well like old times. We both had a drink or two each and though it was like old times I still had my guard up. It was probably about one in the morning, and we were both a bit tipsy when a topic that had never actually been talked about between the two of us came up. “So, remember the night I moved out?” She says something odd in edging in her tone. “Which part?” I asked. She sat there contemplating for a moment “The reason I left, we’ve never actually talked about it.”

Quiet for a moment and then “What is there to talk about Aliveya?” I ask…

“You Know exactly what Marie.” Tension is filling my living room which wasn’t exactly huge but it her choice of topic was making it close in on me.

I look at her tears welling up into my eyes and the only thing I can say is “I don’t know Aliveya.”

“Do you believe me? You know I wouldn’t lie about that right?” She questions. The only though coursing through my head is how much I hate everyone calling me Marie now because it stings like salt in a wound. I only hear her say it. Just like I only hear him say Lux. And I don’t dare tell anyone why I won’t step foot back in my favorite diner on the planet.  “Aliveya-” All I could say was her name, the truth was I honestly had no idea what had happened that night. It was all blacked out, all I could remember was that there was a bonfire, a full moon, my mom was at work, Jake and Savanah were doing something inside, and we were all drinking.

“Can’t you just answer me? It really happened I know that you know deep down too-”

“Aliveya just stop. Please.” I ask wanting not to get into a fight or dredge up the past.

“You believe me though, don’t you? Or is that why you’ve pulled away so much? You don’t want to be around me because of Them? Are you too good for me now?” She asks her tone changing and something snapped in me.

“Really?!? I pulled away from you? How about you ditching me for all your so-called friends that abandoned you when you needed them the most? How about when I needed you and you chose them over me? Or all the times you lied to me, and our family and I covered for you and then what thanks did I get?!? I got slapped in the face over and over Aliveya! And you want to ask why I’ve pulled away? How about because of the four snaps, three Instagram and Facebook messages, countless texts checking on you and your man and ZERO responses! Now you show up at my door in the middle of the night uninvited acting like all is well and good on what is supposed to be our FRIENDSHIP anniversary if we still meant anything to each other or if we still belonged as friends! And you want to ask me why I PULLED AWAY! HERES WHY ALIEVEYA. You took my heart, stomped on it, lit it on fire, shredded it and then tried to act like it was all okay! I am tired of this I am tired of feeling like I’m worth nothing and don’t belong! Because yes, I don’t belong. I don’t belong in your book anymore. It is time for me to finally grow up and put my foot down with you! I love you. I love you so so much Aliveya but we, we don’t fit anymore. My life has changed and yours has too. It took me so long to finally realize that I didn’t belong in your life anymore, but truth is I haven’t for ages. We had our time but it’s over. I want you out.” It all poured out before I could stop it.

“You’re joking right?” Her beautiful blue eyes staring at me, I always loved her eyes.

“No. I’m not joking. I want you out now.” I say praying my voice cracking wasn’t that noticeable.

“So, what this is it? The end of the dynamic duo?” She was starting to tear up.

“Yeah, it is.” My tears had already begun flowing, no stopping them now, everything I’ve held in for years just came out in one minute it felt like. Just like that it was all over. She left like I asked.

Present

After the fight she started to call and text on a regular even mailing me personal invites to events trying to get me to respond always saying it was like all the other times that I would let her come back. This time though it was massively different because she was quite right about the guy in the pictures. Red. Just his last name but it stuck well as his nickname for some reason. Anyways Red has come to be more important to me than just a friend. He was the one I had plans with the next day, he was taking me to pick out tires for my car and when he got to my house that morning he knew by the few things on the counter, the bedding on the couch and cats having not been fed yet that something was wrong. He waited for me to shower but while he waited, he tidied up and fed my animals, taking note of the alcoholic drinks, the bedding on the couch and the 5 missed calls from my parents he asked me a very simple question knowing a touch of my history with Aliveya, he asked “What can I do?” Those four simple words warmed my heart and soul at that moment and brought us closer than we already were. So, I spilled to him everything, from the beginning of Aliveya and my relationship to the bitter end that night.

“Loxley, Loxley! You have a customer!” My manager Luna says, and it snaps me out of my memories. I was stocking the baby section of our small store and didn’t even notice the customer. “On my way”- I murmur as I make my way to the customer who has seemingly bought the whole store and doesn’t seem thrilled, I didn’t notice them immediately.

“I apologize for the wait ma’am; did you find everything okay?” I say as I get to the counter and sign on again.

“Yes, I did besides you all not having my sons’ favorite candy but that’ll be okay.” She speaks. I suppose maybe I was wrong about her, I’m just on edge today.

As I’m scanning everything, I begin to slip back to autopilot for my customer service and begin to slip back to the memory of Red and I spending that day talking and eating ice-cream and eventually me falling asleep in his arms for a brief hour before him kindly waking me up and letting me know it was time for me to head to work. Then that weekend he planned out this whole thing with my parents and brother and his family helped too as I was friends with his siblings as well and his sister had a few tips. It was the greatest surprise and best night ever, the night marking the beginning of a new era for Red and I both. I came home from class to find his truck parked in front of my house a black semi jacked up 3rd gen mega cab dodge ram 3500, I was curious so I went inside and found a vase with roses both red and black; a bottle of sparkling grape juice, cherry doctor pepper, and two new wineglasses, I should mention that my playlist was playing focused on Taylor Swift mainly. The glasses were a set. My small little table was set with China that was my great Aunts and my home smelled amazing. I looked around but was confused until I saw the small bonfire out my window on my back porch my oasis, I liked to call it. I also took note of whatever was cooking on my stove but was more intrigued by the fire. Before I could step outside though I noticed something taped to my door. This as you can imagine caught my attention- Hold that thought “Your total is 91.57, thank you have a nice evening. Welcome” a new customer walks in. Back to stocking and my thoughts. There was a note on my door, not just any note though it was a sort of love letter. Red is a mega badass with a wicked soft side too and the letter just proved what I’ve always hoped for secretly.

“Haevyn, you hold a special place in my heart which you probably already knew? Anyways you’re a wicked badass with the storybook factor and just so awesome and like why are we friends again? Because you deserve way cooler, and you could pick any guy you wanted but like I hope you want me as much as I want you. We’ve been friends for 3 years and I really hope we can make it more than friends. Sorry I know I’m usually great with my words 😉 but this time it’s different. Anyways do me a favor and just step outside?”

I smile remembering the first time I read it and how it’s now in a collection on my nightstand. I stepped outside and he was standing there in his typical work boots, wrangler jeans a Bullet for My Valentine t-shirt topping it all off with his signature black and red flannel over it all; one of the goofiest but gorgeous grins ever and all he said was “Your brother gave me the key”. I was still holding the letter and walked over and hugged him and all I could manage to say that night was thank you. I remember eating in comfortable silence and then going back out to the fire and he was the one that talked I couldn’t manage it I was happy but felt dumb and petty next to him yet somehow, I wasn’t. When I finally did manage to speak that night he was sleeping, we were out under the stars I had all I ever wanted. And I told him that.

Still stocking, no longer surrounded with my memories of that night that was so amazing, now I’m back in the moment I suppose that’s a good thing. When customer is ready I walk over, I thought I was lost in thought longer than I was apparently because this person only had three items and they caught me off guard by saying my name and asking about the ring on my hand it was a gift from Red that had the day we met and the day we started dating engraved on it with an emerald rose. A promise ring I guess but there was also a necklace with all of my pets’ birthdays and the ones that had passed their death days as well. “Nice ring.” he said, thank you I replied, 5.25 is your total, I replied not paying attention I heard the door and as per always said Welcome. “Heyyyy you!” A familiar voice I didn’t want to hear today comes in. Seth. He worked at Red’s dad’s company and was one of the guys that did some work for my dad at the church and he’s an alright guy just not the guy you want to be around when you’re already borderline crying.  The customer I was checking out is leaving now and I go back to stocking but not before Luna walks up to me and tells me her Husband is dropping by and she’s going to go ahead and take her break, of course I don’t mind she’s been here all day plus it’s been slow since I got here, mostly. So, I go back to stocking shelves again while Seth does whatever it is he was doing. I get done with all of that section and say a quick thank you God, then Seth says “Heyo I’m ready now!” He’s standing there with like ten things and laughing at something. I walked over and my brain is torturing me it’s like 5:30-6 now, so my brain and heart are going to the vows and happily ever after or whatever.

“Yo, Marie how are mom and pops? How are you? What’s new Boo?” The questions continued, I tried to be civil.

“My parents are fine, I’m fine, not much how about you?”

“Ah you know the usual work and missing you, wait what’s with the ring? Did I finally lose my shot?” Charming I think to myself, slightly annoyed. Not to be rude or anything but he never had a shot, and he knew it. He helped build my dad’s church and for that I am grateful but all along everyone has always known it was Red. We met Seth through Red’s dads contracting business. From day one everyone including Jake (my brother) and Drake (Red’s brother) the most blind (or so we thought) Knew that Red and I had the “fire” according to Drake for each other. Long story short Seth always made passes at me and tried to be my friend which was okay until it wasn’t. Before I can answer by the grace of the good lord the door “welcome” I say as always and then I hear it “Oh really now that’s all you got for me after three weeks?” The voice I’ve been waiting to hear honestly since he left for his business trip to California even though we’ve called and texted still wasn’t the same. He noticed Seth and Seth said “oh” and I was playing with the ring a nervous tik while I waited for the total to come up and then after what felt like an eternity because Luna walked in to see me dealing with Seth and Red standing behind him with a few drinks one for me and a few for his friends no doubt, Luna was the first outside my family to know about Red and I, she also knew more about the awkwardness with Seth, than my parents. Needless to say, the air was thick. “20.20 is your total” I say, he hands me 21, “eighty cents is your change and here’s your receipt” I say with a forced smile. He looks back at Red and says, “tell your dads I said hey.” He says to both of us, I tell him I will which I will and Red just gives him a nod, now it’s time for my break after I ring Red up.

“You alright?” He asks, Luna follows up with “You can take your break when you’re ready” she says this with a grin knowing I’m going to take it now with Red. His question was laced with more than just asking about Seth though, but it also isn’t just because of the day either, I can’t place it.  I finish our transaction and go grab my purse from the office. Luna left on her own in the store for a few and I’m back where I belong with Red’s arm around me walking to his truck.

“Here so you can take your medicine” he hands me a bottle of water spring water. Thank you I say finally genuinely smiling. “Seriously though how are you holding up?” He asked again this time offering some chips.

“Ehm, I think I have puke in my hair from Amirah. Grant told me you NEED to come see him when you get home, but I’m glad you’re home. How was your trip?” I laugh about my cousins’ bond with him.

“Smooth, you changed the subject, and you definitely need a shower.  My trip would have been way better if you were there, but work was work. The guys and I had a lot of meetings, so it was BORING.” He says while laughing.

“Did you get to go see the star names on the walk or whatever?” I ask drawing a blank at the name.

Laughing again at my brainless moment. “It’s called the Hollywood walk of fame, but yeah we did and now Drake owes me fifty bucks”

“Wow I had no idea you were going to be making money from it.” I state genuinely confused. At this he laughs but breaks out the charm.

“But of course, my beautiful, my brother didn’t think I would have the patience to get a picture with each one but alas I have!” He says this and the tiniest bit of his southern gentleman side breaks free.

“You are so freakin weird and adorable!”  I express laughing. Leaning into the embrace. Happy he’s home tonight, well beyond happy more like elated that I was blessed with such a friend. And mate…

“Listen when you get home tonight call me and I’ll come over if you’d like and we can chill, catch up and drink some bubbly!” He says this way to excitedly and I know he has sparkling grape in his truck, well that is my guess anyways. Plus, it’s adorable how he used to make fun of me calling it bubbly and now that’s all he calls it.

“But you’ve just gotten home from your trip you’re probably super tired and need your rest. Plus aren’t you and the guys doing some sort of barbeque thing?” I ask not wanting to be super needy but also really wanting him to be at my house tonight…

“I mean yeah but I’ve been with them three weeks so… I’ll go make sure everything is taken care of and crash then when you get home, you’ll have food and nothing to do?” This he says as a statement and a question.

“You’d seriously skip the party to go take care of your friend’s cats and dog and sleep on her couch until she got home?” I ask in disbelief. Momentarily forgetting that we were together but also still not really knowing what a real relationship consists of.

“Girlfriend for three months though you are my best friend too, I definitely treat you differently than the guys. But yes, I would. Happily.” He expresses with a grin, the grin that’s made me fall in love with him since we’ve been friends… I grab onto him one more time inhaling one of the most calming scents in the world, giving him my key and before I can stop myself, I whisper “I love you” into his chest for the first time ever, ever knowing it was true this time. The first person I’ve fully trusted since Aliveya, and I tell him I love him on her wedding day? Was there something wrong with me? As if sensing my questions, he tightened the embrace and said, “There is nothing wrong with you, even if there was it wouldn’t change my love for you.” And with that I hand him the key to my house finally and give him a quick kiss on the cheek then walk away hoping he doesn’t see the tears beginning to stream down my cheeks. The difference… tears of joy.  

I walk back into work with a different pep in my step though today is still filling me with all kinds of weird emotions I can look at it differently and even Luna noticed the weird grin that was glued to my face even though I’m not completely okay.

Two hours till closing, two hours until I can go home to him and my babies then I’m off for the weekend. I picture the reception and the cake and all the songs. Her favorite love songs. Customer after customer and my mind is still in a good place but the realization is becoming more realistic of my choices but also things that had happened recently between my family and I that had solidified my choice to break free.

Finally closing time comes and I’m counting and need my calculator so I bring my phone out and there’s a message it reads “I love you so much, I’m sorry for everything, things will be different I swear this time will be different. You mean so much to me you are my only real friend and I just need you here.” It’s from Aliveya.

I fight the tears back for the last thirty minutes of my night and once I’m to my truck and in it all bets are off. I lost it. When I finally get home, I find myself skipping my beautiful meal that my amazing boyfriend made for me and going straight to the shower, a place that has always been comforting to me. Sitting in a hot shower with a bottle of Gatorade and listening to my music, it was my coping mechanism for so many years. Unfortunately, my music didn’t drown out the thoughts tonight.

Aliveya. She was my best friend, my other half, my sister and my kid all at once somehow. All of it hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. I chose to leave her. I broke my own rule. I loved her so much it was lethal though. I loved Aliveya so much I pushed Jake away. Jake was my blood; how could I choose her over him so many times? How could I just throw all those years away? Doesn’t that make me as bad as her? Doing to her what she had done to me so many times?

 Still struggling to breathe I get out and walk to my room and there’s a sweatshirt on the bed next to a note that reads “I know you love this one as much as I do, plus it’ll be comfortable for you to sleep in I figure + it proves you’re my woman end of story.”  Still in just my towel, pick it up and its old and warn out but it’s his and it smells like he just took it off but not in a bad way. I walk over to my dresser where two of the five cats are sleeping and I give each of them a kiss on their head as per our nightly ritual and reach in my drawer and grab a pair of sweatpants, slid them on then the sweatshirt, now it was time to take my medicine for the night which is in the kitchen. Without realizing it I walked out of the bedroom and straight into a brick wall. “Red? Oh no did I wake you?” I ask still out of sorts. “No, you didn’t wake me up, I was thirsty then heard you, I didn’t mean to scare you?” He says grabbing my arms to stabilize me. His touch ignited so many different emotions in me in general and more so in that moment, so the tears began to flow heavier. “Hey talk to me, what’s going on in there?” He asked walking with me to the couch, I was trying to get my breathing under control enough to be able to talk and he can see that and goes to the kitchen to make us each some blackberry tea, getting me my medication while he’s up and he had his back turned to me when I finally spoke.

“I left her.”  Back still turned working on both drinks. My voice cracking and not my own “She wanted me there and I didn’t even respond. I said I would always be there?” He’s facing me now, speechless probably wondering what he’s gotten himself into with me. I take a deep breath trying again to steady myself, petting my dogs’ ears.

“What if she really changes this time? What if me leaving is the worst choice ever? What about all of our years together and how she was my sister for ages? How do I get passed this? How can I get over her? How can I tell her and get through to her and how can we get passed all the lies?!? What am I gonna tell my kids about the pictures we have or the things I have? What do I do? I don’t know how to live without her. What if she needs me? It’s so hard not to respond, it’s like she’s a fucking drug! She hurts me but I let her, and I love her even though she does it. I’m so tired of all of these feelings and I hate doing this to you I hate making you have to deal with this and Jake; God knows jake does not deserve a stupid sister stuck on someone who isn’t her blood. I was so wrapped up in her I couldn’t see Jakes depression! I was so wrapped up in her I couldn’t see my family falling apart or her pitting me against them or her going behind my back! I was so wrapped up in her I almost lost my family! But she’s all I’ve ever known…” My sobbing back stronger, Red sets our tea on the small coffee table, sitting down next to me, handing me both my regular medication and my occasional anxiety med, inhaling deeply before speaking.

“All of those things, seeing the best in her, taking care of her, tolerating her shit, taking her back, loving her, those are all the reasons your family loves you. Because you see the best in her no matter what. But it’s not just her its everyone. Yes, Aliveya is like a drug to you and sometimes it can be frustrating but I’m here for the long run and so are your parents and Jake. You didn’t scare me off with the health or the first set back I was here for, I’m not leaving now. It wasn’t just because of her that you didn’t see those things with your brother or your family, you have to remember you were a kid Haevyn. You also have to remember all the shit you were dealing with to. For me I don’t want any different you are all I want-” I cut him off “You deserve better R-” This time he cut me off “You drive me insane. You say I deserve better, but I don’t see any better than you. You and I both know that worthiness is a bunch of myths. You are all I want. So, what instead of being an alcoholic or nicotine addict you’re an Aliveya addict. Hell, you dealt with my drinking and my smoking when we were friends and we both know how bad that was. I can deal with this. We can deal with this.” This he says with a shrug of the shoulders and a small grin. We both pick up our tea and take a sip. “Anyways Love, you did this for your mental health and so that when you have kids one day (hopefully with me but if not as long as you’re happy it’s all good) that you could look back at those pictures and memories and remember the good and not just the bad. So, your memories weren’t polluted.” This time I cracked the grin and blushed and he definitely noticed but didn’t stir any further. Instead, he gently wiped the tears from my face and got up to let the dog out one more time. Taking my medicine and getting the cats fed again and taken care of one last time for the night I decided to head to the room to get the bed ready, now it’s around 11-11:30 or so, I turned on my playlist and finished my nightly routine when I hear the door close and lock, then Hunter comes running into the room ready for his toothbrush aka a dental treat which he has become accustomed to Red giving to him when Red is there. Looking over at him still teary eyed but grateful he’s here I say, “Thank you.”

“For what? Letting Hunter out?” He says laughing but then quickly realizes what I was thanking him for. “Love, you don’t need to thank me.” He protests. I flip my head over so I can get my hair up. “Yeah, I do, you put up with a lot. Most guys probably would’ve left after the first-” I trail off “You get the point most would’ve left and the ones that didn’t I pushed out and away from as a last-ditch effort and somehow you- well you’re you.” I say this pulling the covers back on my side climbing into my bed. “You’re worth it Haevyn. I’ll be right back I’m going to go brush my teeth and double check the lock.” He says with a laugh knowing I always check all the locks at least twice before bed and make sure all the lights are off followed by making sure Hunter’s nightlight is on in the living room. While he’s doing that my medication is beginning to kick in and I’m starting to mellow out some more but I’m also starting to drift back into the thoughts of Aliveya and the wedding. Mostly going back to the messages, a message that contained words that set me off always with her. If I was truly her only REAL friend then she would’ve thought twice about breaking my trust, right? She shouldn’t have been able to replace me so easily? If all she said was true-

“All locks locked, cats in, nightlight on and regular lights off. Oh, and I have minty fresh breath now.” He says smiling climbing into bed and I smile too, he snapped me out of my thoughts just in time. Not before he caught a glimpse of it in my face though, adjusting so I could lay my head on his chest for the first time today everything is perfect and okay. “Have you talked to your parents today?” He asked after a few minutes of quiet.

“No, they both worked all day today too, I saw Jake, he stopped by the store after he got off work.” I say grabbing his hand and tracing it. Not paying that much attention but noticing that the cats were beginning to pile in and I was finally beginning to calm, Red felt right. His free hand took my hair from the bun and let it down so he could run his hand through it.

“Jake texted me after he stopped by…” He said trailing off. I inhale deeply feeling what’s coming.

“He did?” I now begin to feel a sinking suspicion.

“He’s worried about you, said the last three weeks or so you’ve been seeming out of sorts, not taking calls and not answering the door when you are home, and you haven’t been hanging out with your parents as much either? I know it’s rough trying to get her out of your mind and deal with all of that on top of all of your regular life issues plus me being gone but Babe you can’t go shutting everyone out like THAT again.” I know what THAT means but I just eh it isn’t that big of a deal I don’t think.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all I can muster up at the moment.

“I don’t want you to apologize, I want you to be real with me for a sec Hun. While I was gone were you taking care of yourself properly? Taking your meds like you’re supposed to? Eating?” His heart is beating a little bit faster than usual he’s definitely on edge meaning Jake probably told him more than he’s letting on.

“He told you, didn’t he?” I ask this and my voice cracks more than I expected.

“If by told me you me told me that you and Jake finally got into it over Aliveya the third night I was gone, and it was pretty nasty so nasty in fact that it took Savanah and Emmi to get you out of your parent’s house to get you to quit taking stabs at him verbally? Told me you freaked out and cursed your parents and him before Emmi dragged you out? Yeah, he told me.” He says this and the air thickens.

“When?” I just want to know why my brother is telling my boyfriend these things… Even if they are friends.

“About a week ago. After you broke your phone at work.” He says but he knows more I can tell.

“What else…” I ask still treading lightly slightly panicky.

“He said you all were enjoying dinner together and she called, and he saw it and asked if you were going to answer it and it struck a nerve. Also, that you hurt your wrist again.” The tone of his voice says that he’s enraged I didn’t tell him, but he’s giving me the chance to explain.

“Yeah…” I can’t speak, my throat is closing up again.

“That simple of a question striking a nerve that badly? How did you hurt your wrist?” His tone caring but stern. Kind of like a parent.

“No-” He cuts me off knowing where I’m about to go with that.

“Alright so what happened? Your version.” The way he says it says it’s my last chance before he throws us all in a room and gets the answer one way or another while making me talk to the people, I’ve been avoiding for about three weeks.

“I hurt my wrist the day I broke my phone, I had crappy day at work then an even worse appointment and I- I don’t know I just freaked out” Not willing to tell him the real reason my phone was broken and my wrist hurt, that would go with me to my grave. So, I continued “We were all eating and chilling and having a good time, my phone was on mute but sitting next to me and it kept lighting up. I was ignoring the fuck outta it or trying. She was texting me to. Emmi, Elijah and Cass showed up, they were dropping something off for me so I stepped outside, I left my phone and I guess it got knocked over or something because when I walked back in Jake said he picked it up and there was a message open on it…”

“And?” He presses further knowing there’s more to it. He definitely knew there was more to the phone thing but dropped it knowing I was as stubborn as he was.

“Aliveya’s cousin or something… got ahold of her phone and texted some pretty fucked up stuff to me about my parents and well me.” I say timidly remembering my brother’s reaction and not wanting Red to react the same way…

“I’m not following entirely. A text about you and your parents caused a verbal war with you and Jake? How?” This he asks in the tone he uses with Grant when talking about animals or something Grant loves.

“It was Aliveya’s number, but it wasn’t her texting style. I knew that but Jake didn’t care and these past however many years of tension we have kind of exploded and he freaked out and I freaked out right back and it was bad.” I say as a statement and a question, scared and angry for what had happened and feeling guilty.

“How does Emmi play in?” He asks concerned about his sister understandably.

“Elijah, Cass, and Emmi were about to leave; Emmi came into say goodbye and her being one of the only females I’ve bonded with close enough for her to know how to deal with that she took instant control and helped get me away from my brother before it got physical?” 

“So, my sister drug you out of your parents house?” He’s amused by the picture in his mind but still being the responsible and wants to fix it if he can.

“Yeah…”

“You haven’t talked to your mom or dad since? Or Jake?” He asks this knowing that I talk to all of them at least once a day.

“I can’t face my parents. And Jake keeps forcing me to talk by showing up at work…”

“But you aren’t actually talking to any of them?” He’s planning I can feel it he always knows the answer.

“Not really… No” I answer not believing it myself.

“You’re a pack creature. You need them.” He says this matter of factly and he’s right but I can’t fix this this time.

“I can’t talk to them, not after that…” I say finally after a moment of quiet.

It’s quiet for a few more minutes, I can almost hear him thinking before he speaks next like he’s calculating his next move as if in a game of chess. The room is dark besides the stream of lights across the wall directly at the end of the bed. I hear his breathing, the song playing is “You’re Not Sorry” from Fearless Taylors Version, and finally the silence breaks.

“You still have the text, don’t you?” He asks though he sounds like he already knows the answer.

“Yeah.” I answer disappointed in myself.

He exhales. “Why didn’t you tell me the night it happened?”

“I- I don’t know honestly.” I tell him. This is the end of the conversation not because we’re mad or anything but because it’s late and we’re both tired plus its almost midnight. One minute till. It’s midnight now. I’ve begun to doze off a few times, but I can’t seem to allow the darkness to overtake. Stuck in my thoughts now laying with my back to Red. He’s definitely asleep now but not as deeply as usual more like the resting your eyes phase, he always sleeps on his stomach or on his side facing me, tonight he’s on his side but not facing me, I can tell because he has yet to wrap his arm around me. Thinking about us, the wedding, our families, and wondering if she’ll be curious about the things, I have been when it comes to my special days. I know I made the right decision for myself, but I wonder if she knows how much it agonizes me too not be there for her. I always ask myself if it were different timing and different people would we be, okay? If time had better timing, would I be the one holding the baby she just brought into this world, or be the one standing by her tonight while she marries her person, would I be the one she always confided in if timing had better time? Would she have been the one I confided in over Maine?