“Safe”

May 24, 2024

Dear Always,

I know I skipped last week. Two reasons for that but we aren’t getting into those right now honestly I don’t really have the mental energy for it or existing but I really wanted to write this letter before I forgot. So I likely won’t post on Sunday… anyways is it so wrong to want to cling to something or someone who’s “safe”? Honestly I ponder this question so much especially with the sober series I mean safe is important, you have to know you can trust someone and that you’re comfortable and all that but at the same time what if that “safe” is false? What if it’s just holding you back? I mean these letters to you make me feel safe, but they’re low key just an excuse to stay away from other people. A crutch if you will.

I mean the whole reason I throw myself into writing so much is because I can’t sleep and get to “you” in my dreams like when I was younger. It’s annoying. I keep telling my mom that it was easier when I was sleeping through my body shutting down. Which it was but it was also better because I had the you in the other world, sure our life was filled with literal demons and shit but at least we had each other right? That’s the logic I always stood by, was that I had you, I had you to keep me fighting for myself. But now I kind of just “live for the hope of it all” I guess… I don’t actually know? It’s more like I’m forced to exist and I don’t like it.

But hey at least I can help other people right? The point is that what we perceive as safe isn’t always what’s best for us. Right? And what if I were to miss out on you entirely because I preferred my blanket fort? Okay fuck that you have to come hang out in my fort end of story when we finally meet okay? It’s a thing. Blanket forts are a necessity.

I don’t really know where I was going with this whole thing because I have like an extreme lack of blood volume these days, we’re still working on getting that port placed. However I think it makes some sense? If not at least it’s out of my head and on the paper?

I wish you the best and hey don’t settle for less because of your past okay? Please don’t do that. Because I promise you that whatever is in your past? We can work with it.

XOXO Forever