June 17, 2024

Dear always,

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while it’s been hectic. Which you probably get that more than anyone right? Or maybe I’ve truly just begun to cling to delusions so I can keep so grounding to this planet. I can’t keep being what everyone thinks I’m capable of being. Can’t keep fighting. Something has to give bro. I’m exhausted. Then again it’s three in the morning and I’ve yet again woken up in a panic attack for whatever reason, and my eye won’t stop twitching. I’m genuinely contemplating scooping it out with a spoon if it doesn’t stop. Some of it is that in six? Hours give or take I have yet another appointment with a fuckin surgeon, yeah I know I should be excited about it because they can help but they’re also some of the reason I’m in this mess. At least that jackass from April was. I really don’t know. I’m freaking out here and I have been praying about it but that doesn’t feel like it’s getting anywhere but I don’t know. Maybe I’m just hopeless right now. Occasionally you have to be? Right?

Either way… As much as it’s bittersweet that you aren’t here? I’m glad you’re not. I’d probably find a way to destroy the best thing to ever happen to me. But then again you never know do you? I genuinely hope you’re having it easier, but if you aren’t, I would say look at the moon but I haven’t been outside in a while… You can kick on a ts song or a tx2 song or Rodney Adkins and know I’m vibing with you? I don’t know. Like I said, I gave up a long time ago. Kind of just lying to myself so I don’t hurt everyone else at this point. Have to keep up the facade you know? Can’t let the mask slip too much you know? It’s the one rule I made when all this started. Stupid rule but one that hasn’t ever been broken.

Love always, Forever.