Sometimes it’s not all that far gone?

July 9th, 2024

Dear Always,

Last time I wrote you was before my surgery I believe? I don’t remember but I have a thought I’d like to share and you’re the perfect person to share that thought with seeing as I share nearly every other thought with you?

Technically it’s a few thoughts. But thought number one is centered around the parable in the Bible about the mustard seed.

For a little background my great aunt had given my dad a mustard seed in a small jar of olive oil a while back and I’m not even sure when. Truthfully I hadn’t even known she was the one who gave it to him until I was requesting to borrow the seed for a podcast episode (which I still have yet to do). And it’s sat on my desk for a little over a year now. Throughout my spiritual and physical health journey I’ve often thought back to the old saying of “the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain” not just thought back to it but lived by it for the longest time as it was a life motto for most Christians right? Faith to move mountains? Even the smallest little bit? Though I don’t think I ever really understood it. Fully.

Until recently. See I was sitting at my desk the other day working on our book again and listening to some music. So many thoughts going through my head, one of them being how I’m confident I’m being haunted 😂 as my shot bottle was turned slightly and I know it wasn’t like that originally. Little things like this always happen, they tend to happen more when I’m doubting myself and my beliefs. Kind of like little reminders – you’re probably thinking why is there a shot bottle next to a spiritual symbolism? To be honest I don’t know? But I swear this is going somewhere, my eyes traced down after fixing the bottle to the mustard seed. And I started to giggle a bit.

This time last year I was convinced I wouldn’t be here right now to be honest. I thought for sure that God had given up and that everything was over for me. All because my faith was not as strong as it used to be, because I wasn’t the same girl I started out as, because the I wasn’t as “pure”. I was more jaded and my heart was cold and I struggled to see the light, sitting in church didn’t and doesn’t have the same feeling it used to have. And just over all I was not getting it through my skull what he was trying to tell me?

However when I was sitting there staring at the seed, and the parable hit me. I’d never truly understood the parable until that moment. Never lived it that far… People had always bragged about my faith to me – then it disappeared. But I always held on to that tiny grain… And it moved the mountain. He did it. Even with all the doubts – the tiniest bit of faith? It was enough. It was a beautiful reminder.

Now for thought number two.

I personally believe that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be a long road and not an easy one… I’m not really sure how to process all the “big feelings” that come with the territory. But I really do think that one day all of it will fall together, you and I will get our wedding in the woods and the farm. I’ll get to do my solo traveling before that, who knows maybe that’s how we’ll meet? But it’ll come together. Also I totally would have been a theater kid if things would have been different but I’m kind of happy with how things turned out. I’m proud of who I am and even with everything that for years I felt like I was robbed of because of chronic illness (because yes chronic illness is a thief) but it also gave me so much. It really did, I actually see that now. But that’s not to say my pain wasn’t and isn’t valid as I will likely still have days where I despise what it does to me and my family (and that’s okay!) but I just… I’m proud of where I am today. Thankful for who I am. And who I’ve got around me. Thankful for what’s to come.

To wrap this letter up, I want to wish you a happy July and say that I can’t wait to meet you, but I’m not in a rush Love. I hope you aren’t either. The only rush you should be in is to meet yourself. Your healing and happiness. The person you want to be because in the end thats who you have to face at the end of the day. I hope that you’re adventuring and living it up! And if things aren’t going your way, it’s okay to not be okay. You’re valid.

Until we meet,

XOXO Forever