Dreaming

8/22/24

Dear Always,

       I have a lot on my mind today to be honest. To start with though, hey! How are ya? I don’t remember if I wrote to you this month or not but I do so love writing to you. I’ve been a bit tired – that crash I was expecting has seemingly finally happened. Which I mean sure? Also if adrenaline withdrawal is a thing then I’m for sure dealing with that. But anyway a few quick things: (1) I started the infusions, I’m actually sitting at my third one while writing this (2) I started working on my room again (3) I’ve started working on my YouTube channel and planning out my podcast (or at least figuring out what I’m doing with it). (4) I’ve finally found a sleeping medicine that works! (5) I have to change counselors/find one, which is a lot for my brain (more on that in a life update post, coming in September). And yeah that’s my five random things. 

        Now for what’s been on my mind like a lot. Both of them are dreams I’ve had in the last two weeks lol. We both know by now I heavily focus on my dreams. But these two dreams are like driving me up a wall and I don’t know what to do. Not in a bad way though. And before you tell me “it’s just a dream it’s not that deep” I know this. I’m not that crazy. I just also know that these dreams (well one I had just last night but we’ll get to it) these dreams aren’t my run of the mill dreams. Even though I do usually have pretty vivid dreams. Anyway we’re starting with the dream from a few nights ago but we need some personal background first.

🌻Dream one🌻

          Starting with some background. My grandfather passed away January of 2013 so I was ten. My brother and I were close with our grandparents. Even after they moved back to Maine when I was in the first grade (don’t ask me to remember how old I was in the first grade lol) but I have very fond memories of my grandfather (grandparents in general but right now the light is on grandpa okay!). Watching old Westerns with him, him giving us York peppermint patties after the cut off, the stories he’d tell. And more, but sometimes I can’t remember what it felt like to hug him. I often wonder if he’d like the adult I’ve turned into? I wonder if he knows how much he impacted me, these things plague my mind. And I think most of all I miss him. But now that you know a slight bit of background we can move onto the dream. I honestly don’t remember that much of the dream but I know it ended with a conversation (I don’t really remember what the conversation was) but I had a conversation with my grandfather and he hugged me at the end of the dream and I remember it because of the Stetson and smoke. Grandpa’s signature smell. Plus he was wearing his button down, blue jeans, and cowboy boots. It was the best dream I’ve had since meeting you. Such a simple dream, yet it’s left me wondering and all over the place mentally.

🌻Dream two🌻

          I don’t remember if I “told” you about the crush incident or not? Well if I hadn’t now I have for sure and it goes with the dream. Don’t worry it’s a wholesome dream (I don’t share those kinds of things on here). Anyway this one is also quite a simple dream but it’s left me a bit confused, as I don’t really want to have any semblance of a crush on this person. And I do amazing at not thinking about them. I even had it all figured out as to why I had a crush! So like why am I dreaming of us falling in love? And don’t give me any of that it’s because your a romantic crap! I was doing great and now randomly bro is in my head, and I don’t understand why? Well I mean I sort of do but it feels crazy. Anyway the dream was basically just a friend’s to lovers trope. But it’s driving me insane because I wish my brain would leave me alone? 

🌻 Conclusion 🌻

     I may possibly be insane. I know I’m being haunted. I also know I’m haunting myself. My brain is a mess but I’m getting back to myself whoever that is. 

XOXO Forever