“Everyone has a mustard seed”

January 3, 2025

Dear Always,

As the new year begins to unfold I couldn’t hold my thoughts to you any longer. To be honest I’ve still been writing to you constantly, working on a separate project (that and I’ve always preferred writing to you rather than myself). It made more sense in my mind. I don’t know. But I’ve been thinking. There’s been so much on my mind – so much I wanted to share and tonight I’m at least going to share some of it…

Do you remember the letter where I spoke about the parable of the mustard seed? I was working on my scrap book the other day and found a page where I mentioned that parable. I had written that it was “my parable”, to be honest I don’t know what I meant by that when I wrote it. But it did send me down a rabbit hole. Reminding me of the parable – a message that I’d heard kept replaying in my mind. And I kept pondering. A whirlwind of thoughts, what did I mean by that? What does that parable mean? Why hasn’t it left my mind… And why does it tie to you? The answer lies in a story. One that I’ve joked about for years but one that is deeply rooted in my heart and apparently my faith… Only now… I see the connection – hindsight is 20/20.

The story was only ever half told… I never fully told any one. Until now. It holds true, and it means something – I don’t know what. Not yet anyway but I have to tell it. So the story begins…

Of great faith, the girl never doubted the existence of something greater. Something otherworldly, supernatural. Some might say it was because she grew up in church, her family would say she was the reason they ever started going to begin with. As a child her innocence and faith – they were unshakable. Looking back – she was remincent of Job. Maybe that was her story…

Growing up she was labeled the “good girl”,  “angel”, “to good to do bad”, the list of teases went on. All these things she’d slowly resent and then fall in love with. A rule follower for the most part – she had secrets but they ate at her and she worked them out with God. The point is she was faithful, unbreakable, and unshakable. At least that’s what she thought… And a lot of other people believe it too.

Though it would all change when the girl fell ill. For a while she tried to hide it, tried to fight it. The higher the horse the harder the fall, right? Well, she was in denial for a good four years. Forcing a smile, lying – only to protect everyone else. Telling them all she was fine when she wasn’t, after all she didn’t want to be a burden. By the time it finally hit… It came like a thief in the night. Stealing her hope, draining her faith and pulling her into the underworld. Or trying to. She started doubting everything, started to see the cracks that others had pointed out, started to notice things…

I was taught that God will find a way to speak with each of us. That all of us have different communication styles, that God will talk to us in a way he knows will get our attention. He’ll use what he knows will work for that person. For me… he’s always known the way to get me to listen is well you. The thought of you, the dream of you and the hope of you.

I have a theory. I believe everyone has their own mustard seed. Their own little seed of faith or hope. And for me? You’re my mustard seed, you always have been. Its never been that I needed a significant other, just that I wanted one. I wanted that forever and ever. The house with the wrap around porch and the big farm and the even bigger family (I know this world is questionable for that but still, come with me into the fantasy for a minute?) the Christmas mornings in front of the fireplace and the game nights- the family dinners. All of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly, the messy and the true. The tiffs and the battles. I want the kind of love you’d go to the ends of the earth for. I always have.

That’s my mustard seed. And in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m the girl, and years ago (whether this sounds crazy or not I don’t care) there was a seed of hope sewn. A promise, that was tied to another worldly feeling. One that kept me on the edge of my seat. And despite not realizing it until now… What was once thought to just be a girl with stars in her eyes, who read far to many fairytales, well? It’s got a deeper meaning.

When I vowed to have nothing to do with God, I kept coming back only to ask about the dreams. Only to pray that if my person were real, then may they find peace and solace where I couldn’t. Even if we never met, could they just feel a love that I never felt?

It seems like murky water – like a difficult subject to broach because how do we discuss that which seems “undiscussable”? Though I’ve gotten good at that.

Anyway to wrap this up, or try to. Everyone has a mustard seed, their tiny little seed of faith. Sometimes you don’t realize what it was until years later. Mine was and always has been you. It sounds like I wrapped my future up in you. But that’s not it, cause I can be happy without you, I can have adventures and be myself and I’m complete on my own. But having you would just make it all worth while, make every pain worth it. And to be honest talking to you, praying for you, it saved my relationship with God. Had it never been for that seed, that little fantasy that for all this time everyone has thought I was crazy for? I never would have made it this far. I never would have gotten to the point where I could acknowledge this… Or see it in any light and maybe it sounds crazy and maybe it’s just what someone needs to hear?

But for now, thank you. Because you saved me and we might not have even met. In the walking world yet. Or if we have maybe you aren’t ready yet. But that’s okay. I hope that you can find your mustard seed, whether it’s a song, or a daydream. It doesn’t have to be love, it can be a dream of something you wanted to be when you were little! The wildest thing! That’s the best part! But genuinely I hope you find it. And you know where to find me when you’re ready.

XOXO Forever

p.s. this letter took two weeks to write. I don’t know why it’s been on my mind so heavily.