The Lost.

Long time no write, I know I’ve kind of abandoned the post again. Left you guys hanging with the curiosity of our favorite stories (or mine at least). I didn’t even do the traditional “New Chapter” post. I have so much to update you all on, so many thoughts and feelings. Maybe if I try and write it out like old times it’ll clear my head? One can hope right? Ha. That’s funny. Honestly I have to give an overall trigger warning for discussion of sensitive topics, truthfully I’m not really sure what all to do a warning for here so just be warned this post is dark it’s got a little of everything but nothing at all? I mean I usually keep my blog pretty not real. Except for certain series? But one thing this blog has always been was a safe haven for any one. Every topic is open to discuss. Church related trauma. Medical. All of it. The good, bad and ‘ugly’. So with all of that being said, if you still want to read, read at your own risk. If not, I understand. Protect your peace always.

While I’ve not been posting, I have loads of archived posts. Specifically in the “Letter’s to Always” series. If you’re new, that’s basically a series of journal entries, one’s to my “soulmate” granted they’re more me writing to myself as a way to figure things out. I find it easier to address one person, rather than a crowd or myself. Mostly myself. Plus, it’s just fun. Maybe in a weird, parallel universe, that person is already reading those letters and getting some sense of peace? Or hell, even if anyone else is reading them and getting a kick out of my hopeless/hopefulness then it makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I don’t know. The point is I have pages, and pages of those just sitting. I even have a whole years worth in one singular document called the “Fall from Grace” I was going to post that but then I chickened out. Kind of. But that all changes tonight. Why? I’m not actually sure?

I think I’ve just come to the conclusion that the only way to get past the block I’m experiencing is to just talk about it. I mean technically I have… but like really talk about it. I’ve been blogging since I was thirteen. This has been how I get it out of my head, off my chest, and off my desk so to speak. Yes, I did just quote Taylor Swift. You shouldn’t expect anything less of me by this point. JKJK. But seriously, I’ve never liked being a character. I like being real. Honest, with all the messiest parts of my world? I’ve always sought that out from people too. So with that being said, here’s the draft that would have come out on May 7th.

Long time no write…

Dear Always,

You’re the love of my life, you have my heart and I don’t even know you? How is that a thing? I haven’t felt inspired to write for a while… Part of why this place sits desolate and untouched. Then, last week, I had a spark of inspiration from the depths of hell. I’ve been trying to find the courage to write to you, to get it off my chest. Because I always (pun fully intended) feel better when I see your name on the page.

On May sixth of last year I started writing a note in my notes app, it was journal entry and I wasn’t sure if I was going to post it or leave it. I kept adding to it. And today, this post is the final entry in it. I won’t be posting the whole thing but I do have a quote that sums up the majority of everything that was covered from May 6 of 2024 to May 6, 2025.

“She says she wants to fall in love, then she runs. She says she wants to be a writer but deletes the pages. She loves but only enough to assure them.

Being torn between the Bible and the bottle an unwavering war. Ongoing and undeniable.”

I want to be the girl that loved with all her heart, the one who was so confident in her beliefs. The girl that posted on Facebook about how excited she was about church or trail of treats. The girl who wanted to wait for her soulmate… The girl that went to bed every night and thanked God for her family and her animals.

While I see glimpses of her, I can never have her fully back. I can never get the girl back, I can’t get the parts of me back that he has. It’s been two years and I suffer in my mind consistently.

The last year (two actually) have felt more like a decade. And despite what they might think I’m not over it. I’m not okay.

There’s a letter that I’ve never sent and I wish I could. To someone who I really want to send it to yet I’m to confused about everything to do it? It seems the older I get the more messy these feelings get. I just I wish you and I already knew each other, but the truth is I don’t know that I’m the version of me that deserves you. I still need to figure it out… But then again we all have to figure stuff out. It’s so so confusing.

I guess the gist of this is that I’m uninspired because I’m a mess. I feel like I don’t understand anything and like I have nothing to actually write. Yet I’ve had a few good times. I’ve been building that relationship with my brother like we talked about in one of the letters … Building those life experiences. But I still feel unfulfilled, sad… And kinda empty. It’s dark I know but the truth is that.

Every group I’m apart of I think of how much of an outsider I am. I over analyze everything. Calculate to much and when I’m writing and living in the fantasy it doesn’t feel like enough. Because I feel like there should be more! I mean I’m still here? Still breathing at 22 and I never thought that was going to happen. But it did. And now I don’t know what to do?

You aren’t mistaken, the letter didn’t end. Technically it took two days to write that. Resisting the urge to edit that whole letter before posting it. I mean I could, then just not tell anyone. But, I’m not going to.

I guess I should have warned you guys it was going to be a longer post, huh? If you made it this far, damn. Thank you it means the world. Truly. And don’t worry we’re about to go into a bit of a pallet cleanser to end the post on a lighter topic. But I really do just want to thank you all so much for being here through it all. Through all the ups and downs of my writing and this year will be five years of thechronicalesofhails. That’s insane to me.

For a bit of a lighter subject matter, I guess another reason I’ve not been as active is because I’ve low key been going through a bit of an identity crisis in the sense of like I’ve always been a huge believer in the paranormal. We’ve talked about that before, and like it’s a huge part of who I am. I really believe in ghosts and psychics and all that jazz. I’ve had some experiences of my own that have fueled this curiosity and passion. And honestly for the last probably year, but more so six months, I have been really confused? Not really confused… I’ve been more skeptical.

I’ve started watching a lot of debunking videos and a lot of these people that I grew up adoring in the paranormal community have been caught in scandals and things have been messy. And I guess my brain as I grow up and my values and beliefs grow with me, I have really started to just lose that passion I used to have? Because like, dude, there are so many fakes! Like that old saying don’t meet your heroes? I never even met them, I just deep dived into research and started to piece things together and I’m heartbroken.

It isn’t like I didn’t know that the world was fucked, but I guess you always want to hold onto that hope that the people you really care about and look up to are good people and they aren’t scamming or lying to people. You know? But truthfully I think that as I write this in my little google doc, I’m on like page four now? I don’t want to bore you all, plus I might still post “Fall From Grace” at some point if I change my mind to give a broader perspective. I will leave you with one more little update from my end, or two. I will be posting again, probably only once a month, to keep from burning out, seeing as I dive into a story and don’t know how to stop myself apparently. And my last and final thought that I will leave you all with is since when was I a My Chemical Romance fan? I know you guys don’t have an answer for that, but I mean I vaguely remember jamming to them with 3DG and Breaking Benjamin in middle school but I’ve been really vibing with them lately. Like I said, (or maybe I didn’t) I have been in a weird limbo, type of space. Let me know in the comments below if you feel like you relate? Also comment your favorite band or song at the moment!

Okay, that is seriously it for me today/tonight. I really hope to be seeing you all soon with another update, or just a post in general! Until then, as always, stay safe, love hard, and protect your peace.

XOXO Hails.