08.03.2025

Dear Always,

Long time no write. I think? I honestly can’t remember. I know I’ve written to you in private but I don’t think I’ve published anything recently. Mostly because there has just been way to much on my mind to compute. Which I’m certain that you can relate to. Wherever you are.

But, I kind of wanted to get something particularly important off my chest this fine August morning. If you don’t mind?

As someone with chronic illness I tend to overthink almost everything (especially dating). It’s not just dating to me. I want to find you. But the thing is and we’ve talked about this in other letters; I don’t want you to resent me. I already resent me. For this life and the burdens that come with it. I mean I am the expensive poodle of the family after all. I’m tired and it’s my life. I don’t want to fall in love and then my health be the reason I’m not worth it. I’ve already been there. It did numbers. I can’t take it again. But I can’t take pity either.

It’s why I’m so willing to wait a lifetime for someone who might not exist. Because anyone can promise to be there for a cold. Or for the possibility of a lethal disease. I know that’s dark and morbid. But not everyone can commit to a life time of sick. Of their partner never getting better. No cure, just sick. Yes, some days are better than others but it’s still no easy task. Its a lot. I see the toll it takes on my family and they barely know the half of what I’m dealing with. Forgot how good of an actress I was until this week. Perks of the job I guess.

I guess it just sucks. I know that’s life, maybe it’s dumb but it’s true. Not everyone can commit to that life. And not everyone can handle one more hit. Me? One more hit and you can count me out. I guess that’s why I gave up, gave it to the universe or god whoever you want to believe in. Because, I really can’t take it. I’m a romantic as much as I hate it, I crave that soul connection. I had it once, at least I thought I did. But it was manufactured. And losing that nearly killed me. I always wonder what it would be like if it were undoubted…

Sorry for the depressing letter. I miss our dreams. Meet me at midnight under the haze of the next full moon? Or am I getting to old to believe in Peter Pan? I hope this letter finds you well.

XOXO Forever