The October climb.

October 22, 2025

Dear Always,

It’s funny, even without looking at the calendar I know it’s the week of Halloween. Even without the spooky decorations and all the reminders, my body is screaming at me reminding me, it’s your favorite time of year, feel some type of way? There’s always a slow build into the manic episode. Like the climb of a rollar coaster, right before the peek. Halloween was always the peek. The biggest night of the year. Trail of treats. But it’s been like eight years I want to say since we had one? It’s been a while. But I don’t know I still get that amp up, then the high, then the crash. Kinda sucks.

Especially when you throw in the panic attacks from my body thinking that it’s literally dying from the infection it had lol. Medical PTSD is definitely not a joke. Shit is wild. The last three months of the year were always such a fun time, they used to be my faviorte. Then everything changed. It always changes.

I know change is good. I know I wouldn’t change some of the things…but sometimes I wish it were easier to eleminate the writers block and the anxiety. The panic. The mania. The old feelings and memories. Just so I could wipe the slate clean and start fresh. For a few years I tried to make it work, tried to fake it, for my family, but to be honest internally, I’ve always thought I wouldn’t want shit to do with any holiday until I met you and had my own family. A fresh start. Like I said.

I love my family. I loved the holidays. I miss Christmas morning at my grandparents house. I can still smell it, picture it, feel it. If I close my eyes I can almost recapture it. I feel sad sometimes because I don’t know if my kids will experience that. The family all together, the game nights, the everything… the life untainted by a world of darkness.

Maybe it’s just my spiral hitting early. But I’m having a hard time coping with it all. I’m actually glad that we aren’t a reality yet, that we haven’t made it outside my mind, that my kids don’t exist outside my heart and mind. Maybe that’s morbid. Or again the spiral talking, but I see so much… not even the big things, but the little things that people don’t think mean that much? That they don’t think effect people so much? But they have such dark and tragic consequences. The cycle feels unending.

Please tell me… tell me, you see it too? The rose colored glasses are off? As sad as it is. Please? Do you see it too? Or am I just making up problems? Am I the problem? Surely, I can’t be if others are seeing it too…

I guess this letter is a bit sadder than I intended? I wish I had a better way of explaining what’s swirling in my brain. I don’t really know how to though. I mean I guess I’m nostalgic, longing for a time that doesn’t exist anymore, but even that doesn’t feel like it does it justice.

Anyway…on a brighter note. The Life of a Showgirl. Taylor’s new album dropped at the beginning of the month and while that had backlash from hell. I think it yet again recaptured my soul. I love it. I fell in love with her music a thousand times over. I always do. I feel like it captures such a beautiful essence. I hope you think about me when you think about Taylor Swift, whoever and wherever you are. Honestly…I hope everyone thinks about me when they hear Taylor Swift but you… I hope you think about – well, I’ll keep that redacted until I meet the real you. One day.

I hope you’re okay.

XOXO Forever