From the Archives “Take a Shot”

Surprise! I’m going to give you guys another archived post. All because I don’t want to answer the prompts from the days I missed and also todays doesn’t feel applicable to me…

Disclaimer for privacy reasons names have been redacted and certain things have been edited out.

“Take a Shot”

December 10th,2025
How did I just realize the progress I made? I wanted to drink it but I didn’t. I wanted to go see her but I didn’t. I mean I’m still over here crying so much because I miss her and I hate her? But like I don’t? It’s like how did I get here? I’m glad I didn’t do it but I feel weird because I’m never going to get it. Maybe not never but… Probably never you know? Idk I still miss her. But I’m finally finding me and I want her to find her. I can hold space for the girl I loved and grieve her too, while also acknowledging what happened to me. How it was wrong, never should have happened. But it did and now I’m healing? Yeah that makes sense. I really do hope she finds peace.

December 17th,2025
I became the angry man. I am the angry daughter the rage fueled child. I took it spun it made it mine claimed it proudly because no one fought for us. How else was I meant to survive? They abandoned us. Maybe not literally but emotionally and it’s to little to late. And now he’s paying the price he’s bleeding he’s falling apart. I feel responsible because I took from him as the sick child and yet they took from both of us? It’s all so fucking confusing. I just want my brother to realize he’s worth so much more than one-sided love he deserves to be poured into. He deserves the world and if he could just see that he’d find it. I will never give up on him. I just wish he wouldn’t give up on himself. And I fucking wish my parents would see that they made this. I get they did their best but their best wasn’t enough it was shit.

9:24 – She’s still my most lethal drug. Can I please stop injecting? Please? She has a choke hold on me and I can’t get the cord cut.

December 19,2025
I had a weird dream that I laid in a weird pool of water that like soaked all the negativity out but made a demon? Also I dreamt that I was a card dealer and Eddie from Eddie and the getaway was one of the players 😂 idk my brain is fucked.

December 23/24th 2025
I went Christmas shopping with C for D lol. But me and bub talked and he told me about _ . I’m glad he trusted me with it. I just want him to be okay, you know? But like it’s okay that he’s not? I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up and let him go through the motions. He needs someone to just let him feel it. He never could growing up. And I just idk it’s not fair and I know life isn’t fair but it’s bullshit. Our parents have no room to talk about healthy coping and all this I just idk. I hope he can heal. I want to be a better sister and friend for him. I pray that I can find that path.

December 31st,2025
Yesterday I had an interview at __ and apparently my mom was shocked that I didn’t take any anxiety meds. To that I just want to know why is it that I’m either always taking pills or if I’m not taking the pills then I should be because I’m not stable and then we wonder why I’m so God damn unsure what to do and why I’d rather off myself. No one actually fucking listens. I really fucking hate my family sometimes because i feel like I can’t win. Like I’m just this huge disappointment and I can’t even say it because it’s not safe to talk because God forbid I tell anyone what goes on in my head and it’s someone else in my life fault or my bipolar or PTSD. Can’t be my own feelings you know. I can’t take this anymore bro

There you have it folks. From the archives. The last of my notes from 2025. Some of this mindset had come from weeks of not having fluids. But honestly… no I can’t even argue with it. I’ve been working through a lot. I guess maybe that’s some of my writing problems. I can’t get my head on straight because there’s just things in my mind that keep boiling up and I really want to talk about them but I guess I don’t really know how? Even writing about it is hard and scary if i’m being honest. I don’t know why I’ve chosen today to pour my fucking heart out into the page but yeah… I’m sorry that this one is morbid and sad. But I guess that’s today’s post?

Hopefully we’ll be back tomorrow with more January Journals.