The same sky.

01/30/2026

Dear Always,

Long time no write. I actually don’t know how long it’s been since I wrote to you, at least on here. I still write to you all the time privately. My notes are filled. I’ve thought about taking a pause from the book and working on the compilation of letters, just so I could clear my storage. Plus to be honest I am stuck with our book. So stuck. I know why. I’m just scared to admit it. Ironic right? The reason is written all over those pages and yet I won’t even say it out loud? Pretty stupid if you ask me. But I’m stuck on everything. Like all my stories. Connor and Huntleigh? Payton and Asena. The King’s Pawn. All of it. That’s why I’ve gone back to my roots. At first I thought it was because of being wrapped up in real life. Then I thought it was because of my health. But honestly I was just making excuses. I’ve known the problem. I know the problem.

I wish I didn’t have this block. Or that it was easier to get past. It should be right? But I guess not. Anyway. Let’s talk about something else…like how we’re already almost done with the first month of 2026? That’s wild, right? Ha, I’m kidding I won’t bore you with that. I did have something else on my mind. Another secret agenda for writing this letter today. Well, a few I suppose. Let’s start with the darker? one. I don’t really know what to classify this one as.

Yesterday was the day I met that person in 2023. How do I still remember? I don’t know. I’d rather not. I’m also a week out from my third Port’s one year birthday. I plan to celebrate this port so it won’t feel the need to betray me HAHA. But yeah we’re coming into prime “my head is fucked” season. The nightmares already started. Isn’t that great? It’s funny because like it’s February through April then I get a few months then August through December again. Honestly I hate it.

The nightmares have to be the worst part to be honest. I wake up wanting to bleach my whole body or just pour gasoline on myself and burn my body? Undo everything. I know that’s pretty fuckin morbid but… yeah. I mean hey? Why lie?

Honestly I’d take it all back if I could. Go back and scream at my younger self to run. I didn’t need to make those mistakes to get here. I coulda found another way. I fucking hate the guilt I feel every night. The anger and resentment the lump in my throat. I just – none of this was worth THAT. There was no silver lining and I fucking hate that my brain still tries to rationalize and that I still take so much fucking responsibility for something that wasn’t all on me.

I don’t know. I just don’t want to carry it with me forever. But three years later and it’s like it’s happening right now. I guess I should thank that bastard for topping what happened when I was younger right? I’m being sarcastic for the record.

It’s kind of funny though. Everyone thinks they know me. That I haven’t been through things… haven’t hit the bottom. They just never saw it. Still don’t. Hell, I don’t even know until I’m spinning out of control and can’t stop it, until it’s too late.

I hope you’re okay, wherever you are. There’s a full moon coming up, you should check it out, I’ll be watching it too. At least we’ll be under the same moon, and stars right? Same shit world? At least the sky is pretty.

XOXO forever.