Forever in Five Seconds.

It’s funny to think that a few years ago I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anything for another person. I was so deeply convinced that my only shot was this dream I had. And even that? Well that was only a fantasy my brain and body cooked up to ease the pressure of me losing my life. He’s my angel of death. My angel of life too. Then I met someone I started to crush on in 2024. God was that like one of my characters just stepped off the page and he was standing right in front of me…

But alas he wasn’t mine to lose…

Didn’t hurt any less. It just reminded me, I was human. And if I could go back in time and answer my counselor’s question? It would be yes. I did fall. I wish we could have talked about that more.

Sometimes I get confused by my own brain. And emotions. I think I’d rather break my own heart. But I don’t want to rush the experience. I try not to call myself a hopeless romantic. I prefer the term hopeful. Because to call yourself hopeless is to imply that your fucked.

Which that brings me to today? If a heart falls in love and no one is there to catch it does it make a sound? Do we know? Or what if two people fall together but it doesn’t match? Can they make it match? How? Is there such a thing as the right person wrong time? Does time stop or does it keep spinning? Does that make sense? Probably not. I wish I was drunk right now I’d probably be able to correlate this specific thought better.

What happens if I miss my chance? If they are my person and I throw it all away? Am I just young and dumb? Are there really ways to know or do we just play roulette? Why’s it all feel random when it used to feel calculated? Am I projecting? I feel like I might be.

I wish I didn’t have so many questions. I wish I wasn’t this messed up. I feel so much and I miss feeling nothing. It was so much easier. I didn’t have to worry about falling so deeply for the “wrong” person, and all the what ifs of that? I was just reckless. I didn’t doubt myself because I felt nothing but I was chasing a high I couldn’t reach. Now I’m just looking for an out before I crash. I’d rather break my own heart first? But I don’t want to… I want it to be real. But it all feels like a stretch.

Something I think everyone can relate to is just wanting to find love. Someone to hold us on the bad days, yeah I know you guys be needing that too. Don’t worry i’m not judging I’m all for letting our men feel their feelings. Strength is in the “weakness” too. I just I don’t know. Maybe it hits especially hard during the times when my brain and body are working together to torture me. I just want to fall apart and not feel guilty. Build a safe little place where they could do the same. Our home would be the safest place on earth. I just want a home… a real home.

I know it takes work to get there though. I just wish we had a cheat sheet you know? Maybe that’s why I still love the Werewolves. They know. They have their cheat sheet. I want that. I want forever, in a world that’s all about that five seconds of fame.