Parallel Universe

TW: substance abuse and suicide.

There was a letter I wrote a few years ago, one I buried in a box. No one really knows about it or why it exists. Who I wrote it for or the way it haunts me every night. A few months after writing that one, I wrote another in a series I did. Only to delete all of those posts. Quiet remnants of it plucking at my mind on a daily.

The first letter, an apology. The second a mere cover up for the true feelings. A way to process something that no one believed or would give me space to talk about and I felt it to weird and insignificant to write about and yet it still overwhelmed me.

Today I was brought back to a moment in time where I felt something. Brought back to that girl I was the one sitting writing those letters. My heart ached and yet somehow I saw it more clearly? Maybe one day I’ll tell the story… But today I have a different story to tell.

A story of a girl who once believed her only hope was falling in love. One day the girl met a man in her mind (though she wasn’t aware of that at the time). He was a dashing man, charming, all the qualities of a good hero. A little rough around the edges but soft for her. He saved her from a situation that wasn’t the best. He opened her eyes to things that she should have been protected from and he became the protector. He led the way. She loved him and he loved her. He showed her what it meant to be loved and how things should have been and even through the trials and tribulations he was there. He was her angel.

However there was a catch.

The girl was ill. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. She was seeking out what couldn’t be found – at least not in another. See even with all the love in the world from him? He still couldn’t save her. She still couldn’t save herself. Her demons they won out. She’d spent most of her life believing if I just find him… It’ll be enough? I’ll be whole? But then when she found him? She was still empty. That was how she felt. She loved him so much. She didn’t want to leave him.

The way he held her? It was the way the ocean lapped at the shore. It felt right… The way the stars blanketed the sky… Oh it was perfect. But she felt broken. Like she couldn’t give him the world. That wasn’t anything to do with how he saw her… But it was the way she felt. The weight of the world – her world it was too much.

One night while the man was at work, she’d taken some pills, had a few too many to drink and left him a letter on his bedside table. The letter read that she was sorry, the pain was too much, she hoped he could forgive her. She left a list of how to care for her pets, and instructions on where to find the letters she’d written her family. By that point the blood was running onto the paper from a reopened wound. The girl had felt like a burden her whole life and when she met him, he made her feel like she was walking on air. But that terrified her. One day he would leave, or worse. He would betray her in the way they did. She couldn’t handle that. But that wasn’t why she did it. And he knew that.

When the man came home he found her. His heart sank and panic raced. She felt him hold her one last time, begging her not to leave as internally she was screaming that she didn’t mean it. She wanted him back. His hands on her cheeks, his tears mixing with hers… Or were they? She couldn’t tell.

Then she woke up. Her family said it was all a dream. A continued dream. She thought it was the week before Thanksgiving but it was after. She thought the man was there… Her heart ached for him to be there when she woke up? It wasn’t just a dream…

But he wasn’t.

She searches for him with every breath and looks for his eyes always. Writes letters to him hoping he remembers, yet praying he doesn’t. If it was a parallel universe where she killed herself and left him alone to deal with the pain? She grieves that. That life they had.

So…to the man in the dream? If you woke up too, I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me. I hope we get as many chances as it takes.