The Fool.

One for the money, two for the show; I never was ready so I watched you go.

The title of my sex tape.

Just kidding. Its the title of a letter I wrote in the September blog challenge of 2023. It was posted on September 21st. I archived those letters. That one came up in my memories on Snapchat though. I could remember what it was, so I went to find it. It was a letter to myself. How I was the one who broke my heart the hardest. I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote it.

Upon rereading it, I realized that I’m not to blame.

…

I think about this note often and what it was written in regards to. Having just passed the anniversary of the event that the letter referenced the hardest I continue to live in my mind. I try not to live in the past. We say no regrets and yet most of us live in regret. Reflection can turn it into a lesson in time I suppose though it should never have to be that way?

It feels like we’re always left with more questions than answers. Never fails right? The thing is I have one question that burns on my mind consistently and it’s a question much like the others. It’ll never be answered. I find it hard to believe he didn’t know he crossed a line he shouldn’t have, that he took something that couldn’t be replaced – though maybe that’s me showing my loss of faith. It’s been three years and my stomach still churns with the thought.

Part of me wishes I could go back and scorch the earth, give my younger self a sign or something? Maybe that’s what those moments of complete despair were? Who knows…

I do agree I wasn’t to blame. Not fully. I should have been easier on myself. To be honest, it felt like I was set on that path ages ago, the path of self destruction and soul fires. I was seeking something and looking in all the wrong places and if someone was good at faking it… I was good at seeing what they wanted me to see. I was a fool. A child in a lot of ways. While I loved playing it off that my heart was stone and my love was cold the truth has always been I’ve never wanted anything more than a home. Warmth and someone to build with. If they could sell it? I could buy. Gullible and smitten. But that was where you fall. Deep into the pits. With the snakes. They wrap around you and pull you in. Strangling you? Yeah…

I fell too hard. Trusted too easily. I wanted too much from the wrong ones. Especially him. He bargained with my body, playing on a lifeline and taking everything I had. What did I do? Nothing… I couldn’t see it. Not for what it was, not in time. Not until the damage was done.

My mind had left, my soul scorched and my body in tatters. Nothing would ever be the same.