One of the biggest betrayals in my life came from the person I trusted the most.
See it all started when I fell in love with a girl who feared being broken and unlovable. When all along it must have been a trick or a ploy to get me to be the broken one. For her to gain her power back. For her to gain her strength back.
It wasn’t actually love though. I was to young to recognize the difference and to naïve and innocent too feel the wrong in the relationship. That’s what I thought of myself for years anyway. I was brought up to heal and to put out positive energy into the world. To give out all good vibes even if that’s not what was given to me. Or did I interrupt it wrong? But that’s exactly what I did. I poured my soul into this girl everything I had, so that she could feel loved and know that she was beautiful and worthy and everything to me. The thing was that she didn’t repay that love. I thought she did at the time because I thought ‘hey we all make mistakes’ any time she said something cruel about me or anytime she did something that hurt me. I thought that the apology letters for missing an important day were special.
Truth of it all is that I don’t actually know. I know she remembers something else for someone else. I know she says those things to someone else too. I know to me it was a betrayal. But it’s also power.
Today I bury the betrayal and the hurt. Today we drink to the wins of these betrayals. What are those wins? Everything was always easy. Faith, trust, love. You name it, it was easy. But now I can’t sugar coat the hatred I have for myself. I can’t unsee the cruelty of my world. I can’t return the trust that I had for them. Or the faith I had either. I have to work for all of it. See I’m living in the colder bitterer truth. Not a fairy tale. The best part is that I still believe in fairy tales. And magic. And love. And honesty. And loyalty.
Just keep it all behind the walls of the fortress called my heart. Knowing one day that someone will not break the walls but rather build a staircase or ladder to climb the walls and it won’t be a threatening overtake but rather a kindling warmth that would never go out.
Stormy Ville 