Her eyes welled up in anguish. Who is this person in the mirror? Why is she so…so ugly?
…
“This isn’t me!” She cries staring into her own sunken black eyes. To look at her she looks like a beautiful, happy-go-lucky teen. She’s not too tall, and not too short. Her hair though a bit messy and unkept is still luscious as ever. Her body was the best it had been in years. The thing she couldn’t recognize about herself? The ugliness? It was her soul.
There was a lingering dark cloud over her and she couldn’t seem to shake it. How had she ended up here? Was it by mistake? Meant as a way to make her stronger? Her once unshakeable faith in humanity was crushed the day she realized that the love of her life wasn’t who they said they were. Ever since she has had such a morbid look on life. Not just that but her view of her family was thrown off with some of the things that had come to light.
“I used to be so calm and collected! I used to believe in the happily ever after! I used to believe in LOVE. Now I am nothing but a shell. How did this happen? When if anything, did it happen? I know how but when? Why? How do I become my gorgeous self again?” She ponders aloud whilst tracing her jawline and the visible scar from a recent surgery that still lingered above her heart, a bit to the right.
Something that always lingered in her mind was why? After all her perseverance through her health trials? Why was this the thing that brought the young soul to a breaking point? Even seven years later, after moving out of the house that held the memories, after being in nearly a decade worth of hard therapy, she still looks in the mirror and feels the hands of her first love burring themselves in her hair. Sometimes her biggest disgust is how her fiancé’s touch can’t hold a candle to the first person to ever make her feel some type of way. How could she say she loved with all her heart when she still holds a flame thinking maybe, maybe they’ll come back and mean everything this time. And yet this is the best relationship she’s ever been in. She feels safe, sound and protected. Yet it wasn’t the same, familiar, tormented relationship.
“Isn’t that a good thing? That it isn’t so bad?” people would ask her causing her to cry uncontrollably. The biggest lesson one can learn is you have to want to change. You have to desire the change and even then, it isn’t promised in fact the promise of said change is misery, miserable learning and teaching of who and what you’ll tolerate from others. What it feels like to be in healthy, and “normal” situations/environments/relationships.
As much as the thoughts are screaming “You unlovable piece of garbage” there’s always a stronger more compassionate but quiet even timid voice fighting back with “I love you in your darkest” which is why the war is so brutal. Because it’s the war within, the war within changes how you see yourself and perhaps that is the worst most dreaded thing we all face at some point in our lives.
Stormy Ville 