Double Life

What is it you feel?

…

The first thing to pop into my mind? Trapped. A cornered animal. No way out. No light. So many feelings but that’s the one that screams. Why do I feel this way? Part of the answer lies at an unmarked grave in my heart. The grave is prepped for burial yet the funeral hasn’t happened yet. From the outside, it looks gone. The things are gone, minus a few things. The memories never leave just fade and it takes one small miss-step to bring them all back. They say it’ll get better, easier. Even though I might not see it yet. How can I see it?!?! I beg for mercy from the demons that haunt me from the inside. Yet literally they will not stop. At night it’s the worst. The memories come flooding back the feelings. All of it. Then I’m back to living my double life in moments. Will I ever bury it? Or am I banished to this life for eternity? Not being good enough. Never allowing one to be in my heart because “it’s unfair” whys it so unfair to them? Because you’re still here. I’m still stuck at sixteen when you walked out of my life! I’m still stuck at seventeen when I figured out you weren’t who you played yourself to be. I’m still stuck at eighteen when I pretended there was a future for us, even if not the one I pictured.

The double life still reigns. How’s that? I still live for you! Still live to make you mine… the way I was yours. But that will never happen. I know that in my mind, but my heart and soul still scream your name in the depths of the darkest night.

Burying the girl I once knew to please (or try to) everyone else. Distancing myself from who I was to be everything. This scream for you never held a flame. Not the way I had hoped. So, in the end the biggest slap to the face was how I even though I shut it down or thought I did? I still have to learn and build. More agonizing now though, because I have to dig through it. Find the parts of me I want to keep, to nurture. And heal them. All while letting the new pieces of myself blossom 🌸 and grow.

For a long time, it was one personality for the sun and one for the moon. Today, it’s still difficult but I am more so one person. The girl the moon always knew? That’s who shines through in my darkest hour. The double life is behind us. <- The lie I feed myself every day to make it a reality. Still growing, still learning, still grieving but most importantly still here. Newer every day. Every second. Every breath is a second chance.

But still. I crumble at the sight of you. Maybe for jealousy, maybe because I want you back but know that will never happen. Maybe both. Or maybe my heartbreak will boil to the point of anger and I can force myself to be mad at you rather than myself for a change. I guess we’ll see.