I didn’t used to be the weakest link or maybe I always was and I was just better at hiding it? It’s all crashing down and it feels like everyone is here… But where were they when it first started falling?
The nights I spent as a child crying wondering if I was enough? Yet now everyone claims they were there. They’re proud of my strength. I hate it. The strength I have is unimaginable to them! To me it’s a burden.
The hollow feeling I have. I’m missing a piece of myself. I know others feel this way, yet they will never understand the true extent of MY pain.
My friend told me to just pray… I said I do. Which is true. I pray all the time! Begging and pleading with a god who I used to be so fucking close with! Begging him to help me understand why I’m here? Why I’m in the places I’m in? Why I can’t just give him the control like they say I should?
I would say I walked away but I didn’t… Not exactly. I would say he walked away but he didn’t! It feels more like a brick wall was built between us and the harder I try to get back to where I should be the thicker the bricks form.
They say I should just come back to church and I say it’ll burn the second I step in it. In reality I’m just scared of being attached to another person or place just for it to get snatched away again? Or is that just an excuse?
Last year something happened that nearly ruined me… One small line of hope snatched away in an instant? But it wasn’t real to begin with it was just in my head… Like everything else.
I still cling to the delusions of my mind. Some days that’s all that wakes me up? Especially on days when everything is falling apart. The list of things that’s going to hell is overwhelming… And yet again I realize others are going through it too but its exhausting! 21 years.
When I’m at my all time low everyone comes running trying to fix it and save me? I don’t need or want your saving or your sympathy! I haven’t! I’ve done it alone for so long I’m used to it! It’s fine! I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of the cycle and I’m sick of the “it’ll get better” I’m tired of the “you’ll get through it” or the “it’s for a reason”! I already know this but it does me no good! Helps me none, changes how I feel by nothing.
I don’t need or want saving! What I need/want is someone to just show up on the worst days wrap me in a comforting hug and not lie about everything being okay but for once just be real with me and not make me feel like shit about falling in the black…
I know they mean well… But it feels like the only reason they’re here is because they sense the fall and they want to be heroic. I don’t need a hero. Nor do I want one.
Stormy Ville 