Alpha

April 21, 2024

Dear Alpha,

Yes, I introed differently today. I’m feeling a bit weird lately to be honest with you, love. I know it’s been a while since writing you again. Also, my site looks a lot different/better and more simplistic? I love it.

We’ve got a lot to catch up on though, but first… I’ve missed you so much. Writing to you, dreaming of you, feeling connected to you. I wonder if you feel the connection, I’ve always wondered that but now more than ever? Also I hope you’ve listened to The Tourtured Poets Department! Just kidding it’s okay if you haven’t. (But seriously, have you? And what did you think?)

It low key broke my heart because it was my first album drop without Jonah Bug. It sounds crazy but he always listened to every album with me when it first came out, although he preferred Breaking Benjamin and Three Days Grace. I also celebrated my first birthday in teenage/adult years without him. It was a great twenty first birthday though. I went out with my brother and sister-in-law. We went to Dave and Busters. Turns out as much as I “dislike” whiskey, I enjoy the dislike of it? Which confuses me.

I’ve also spent a lot of time on my book. Which is funny because it still isn’t finished, I actually have like a whole other dimension of the same story. But I’m also workshopping the copy that’s almost done and just has to be wrapped up. It’s truthfully all just a cover for the fact I wish I was in West Virginia and I’m so scared of everything going on with my health right now. And I can’t even go up there just for a vacation because of all the appointments and trying to get a port again.

Hell, I wish I lived there because I swear Florida is going to be the death of me if not physically than mentally. I’m trying not to think like that, but I’ve reached my breaking point long before this week and I’ve just gone over the edge honestly. I’m losing my mind here but I’m trying…

Last night I saged and prayed over my room after manically cleaning it. It was the first time I cleaned it that thoroughly in a year. Like everything got done, it wasn’t half assed and it felt normal? This morning, I went to church and for the last few weeks, I’ve been having more and more spiritual experiences. Which is funny because that’s a lot of what my counselor and I have been talking about. Taking back that power, working through the religious trauma? Just focusing on God and not religion… then today’s service kinda nailed it.

Life’s been a whirlwind lately basically and it’s hard to keep up the front. Hopefully yours has been smoother though? Or if it hasn’t, I hope you know you aren’t alone. Also, just a fun fact I was going through my dream journals while I was cleaning yesterday? I found out that the birthday – your birthday from the dreams changed from 4/20 to 5/20. I wonder why? But I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s just a funny thing to me. Especially since 4/20 is my grandparent’s anniversary.

But my always tell me, do you think of me when you see the moon? Or hear the wind blowing through the trees? Maybe when you smell the rain, or the fresh ink off a page? Thinking, praying to a God you sometimes question; I’ll love her for her flaws, in her greatest highs, and lowest lows? Take every thorn from her side with a smile? Stitch it up and cater to her as she heals? If only she’ll be mine and only mine, I’ll do the same?

Those are the thoughts that allow me to move forward. Praying for you is sometimes my only prayer, my only belief in god, yet the most difficult to keep. A promise made from the time I was old enough to believe in fairytales, or day dream of love. Promising my deepest and truest love to you and only you. No matter how much I try to shake the girl of my past, the girl who’s love got her hurt and broken so many times? I can’t undo the promise. To always and forever be yours, pray for that daydream to become a reality. As even in your darkest hour I will, would, have and never stopped loving and believing in you. Whoever and wherever you are? Our darkest hours are our truest. That’s what I’ve found. So, could you do me a favor? If you feel that connection that draw? Especially right now? Can you whisper a saying in the breeze that only we would ever understand? Could you love the darkness and hold the faith while I can’t? Because for so long, I’ve held it for everyone else… or maybe just be real with me? It’s a rare find.

Hopefully it makes sense…

Forever and Always,

Luna