The Loaded Gun (The Original)

Hello and welcome back or welcome if you’re new. I know today is supposed to be day three of the prompts, but honestly I don’t have the emotional capacity to answer the question meant for today, so I figured I’d give you guys a post I’ve had sitting in my documents for posting at some point this year… a great system, right? So, here’s that post.

Her walls had always been built this high as long as she could remember. She’d sold her soul long ago, met the devil, fallen from grace and given up her halo. Sworn that she was unlovable and damaged.

Like most she’d learned early in life that heartbreak comes from those you trust the most in life. Your first heartbreak in life typically comes from home. Her mother emotionally absent, father a drunk. Generational curses following and haunting them. The traumas and sickness of their fathers and mothers tracing the lineage, begging for someone to stop it.

Night time was usually the worst she always found herself trapped in memories she doubted. Deep down she knew but she denied them, denial was easier. That’s what she told herself anyway. “At least for now” she’d whisper to herself in the darkness as tears poured down her face. No one would believe her anyway right? She barely believed herself…

She always doubted the words of others and yet she longed to see the best in them. Even his. Despite wanting so badly to believe him, she wondered if he actually felt the same way as she did? If he felt the way he said? Every time they were together… if he actually missed her the way she missed him? Or if he just liked how she made him feel? Even before she laid eyes on him. Maybe they were a bit unorthodox she supposed but that’s what made them so special she thought.

His words always made her heart flutter a bit. But she’d scorn herself about those types of feelings. How she wasn’t supposed to feel them, especially for someone she hadn’t met in person yet. Except her heart couldn’t follow those orders, every time she tried to throw a blanket over those feelings it only grew more. Every denial of that, only grew it, much like the thing that haunted her in the nights. She only wanted to protect herself, fearing he was only like the others though everything screamed he wasn’t. Everything…

When they finally did meet the chemistry was undeniable? Or maybe she was making it up? Maybe he was lying to her? So, she still fought it. Part of her didn’t want to. But it was all she knew to do. Protect her heart and body. Push him away before he could betray everything she’d given. She was terrified to fall, but she wasn’t falling- she was willingly walking into a four letter word with him. And that scared her even more, because she was handing him a loaded gun, holding it to her head and begging him not to pull the trigger.

If she told him, would he feel the same? Did his future flash before his eyes when they kissed for the first time or was she just delusional? Did he see stars in her eyes the way she did his? When they were apart did his soul ache for hers the way hers did? Was the world silent when they were together, did time stop for him too? Was it a first time thing? Or had he felt it before and he was just chasing that feeling? Because she’d only known that feeling in her mind. All these things swirled in her mind as she lay next to him in her bed, the room silent. The world seemingly at peace for the first time in ever…

She could feel everything slip away when she was with him. She had hoped and prayed he could feel the same? That he wasn’t lying to her. All because every beat of his heart, every time he laughed, smiled or said her name? It felt like god’s apology for everything she’d been through. Every night she cried, doubting her worth, believing she was unworthy, praying not to wake up. Every ounce of betrayal… Everything was made up for by him. She just hoped she made him feel the same. Would she ever be enough? Could they heal together? Were they the promise? Was he her promise?