The Cycle.

The great thing about someone obsessed with the human mind is they tend to obsess with their own mind (especially in my case).

Obsessed with the traits of them, obsessing over small things like the devil in the details. Dreams, the hair, the eyes, the smile, the jaw line, the things weren’t hazy, the tattoo’s. The traits from my first crushes, their eyes, their hair, the faint sounds of their voice, how they dressed and their cadence and it eventually morphed into my favorite characters unintentionally. But then I reflect and I realize I sought out other traits, worse traits in the people I dated.

The flaws. I sought the flaws. I sought them in the first intimate relationship I had. His eyes matched theirs, his smile resembled hers, the way he talked, the way he acted, the way he treated me. I didn’t fully connect the dots, but then it hit one night. The pattern hit again with the most recent ex, his personality a charm one I recognized from miles away it felt so familiar so calming – so warm, so real. So true. I’d seen it before, felt it, it was something I was longing for and missing and how wrong of me to want him to be them. It was. I know. But I didn’t see it then. Not until it was to late.

The cycle was repeating. I was seeing them in someone else. I was seeking a familiar comfort. Longing for a familiar safety in the danger. Something I’d always known. A pain that ached so deeply but it was my pain. Mine. If I could just get back? We could end differently.

We can never replay our ending. I can never rewrite that story. I sought you in every boy, played with fire and got burned. At least the version of you, I remember.

That isn’t to say you were a monster, no, far from it. I loved you, I still do. I poured my heart into you, I couldn’t breathe without you. But finding you again? That’s not for the best… Not that version. I don’t know what that means for us going forward, I’ve never really known what it meant, or what any of it means. I never fully blamed you, my anger lies elsewhere, a topic for another day, but I still have that dream that one day we bump into each other in a cafe and catch up over a cup of coffee.

Foot note: I wrote this June sixth according to the notes app – ironic in the way of that’s a date marked for a funny story that wasn’t all that funny. Anyways, I hope you all have a lovely day or night whenever you’re reading this. As always, stay safe, love hard and protect your peace ❤

Xoxo Hails.