Breath.

When you saw me did it take your breath away too?

Did it snatch your breath and replace it with an ache? Really? Be real?

Last time we spoke you asked me to be your bridesmaid, we caught up like old times. Like nothing ever happened. I sunk away into the dark. Knowing and fully understanding you have a family. Other priorities. I’m…I was the other woman. Or at least that’s what it felt…feels like.

Did you mean for that connection to form all those years ago? Were they just words and sayings to you? You took my breath! You take my breath! All those nights I held you because of them! All those nights it was me and not them. No I’m not talking about your siblings. But deep down you know that. Don’t you? You know that I am…was…so infatuated…in love, obsessed whatever you want to call it! With you! Only you! I would drop everything for you in a heartbeat but I came second. I would be whatever you needed. Whenever you needed it. However you needed.

Please don’t lie. To yourself or me. We both know it’s true. You know deep down. It’s not alright. To be honest I haven’t forgiven you yet. I’m not there yet but I also don’t fully know what happened. I know it was wrong. I know I hurt you too. But I also know someone else hurt you long before. Which is why you needed the control back right? Or to try and have some? That’s understandable to a degree.
I wish you all the best. I know I never said goodbye. But that’s because I never should have said hello again in the first place and I’m sorry if it hurt worse not knowing. But at the same time I’m not. I sunk into the background knowing your life was busy and you wouldn’t miss me because you have everyone. You have your people. I’m not your people anymore love. We grew apart. Or ripped apart or I don’t know. We don’t belong in each other’s worlds anymore. Maybe one day we will again but I don’t have a crystal ball. But just know this…

Forever and always might not have been as long as we planned or dreamed but it was genuine.
You were my first love. My first person. I meant everything I said. All those days that had significant meaning…they still do. When I see you my heart stops. When I see you, you take my breath away. When you hugged me God it used to be only your touch that soothed me. You were my person. Now when I see you I’m trying to control myself. Lock it down. “She’s married” I say. “I have my own people now” I say. But when I see you I’m 13 again and we’re laughing and crying in our room painting our nails making jokes.
So you see…when my heart stops and I put on a fake ass smile and lie to you out right when you ask if I’m okay? I’m lying because I fucking love you still. I’m not over you. I don’t know if I ever will be. I lie and smile try to be brave because it kills me. I’d rather lie down in a pit of snakes than loose you over again yet I loose you a million times every day. The songs, the pictures. The quotes and shows. Everything, every day. I still love you.

Forever and always. Even if we aren’t in the same room. Even if we don’t have communication. To a fault. I’d kill myself if it’d keep you breathing. Which is why I got out. Because I wasn’t in it for me and you anymore. I was in it for you and only you. Even if it meant destroying myself.

You know that feeling babe. You’ve been there before. I remember. All of it.

Hello loves! Thank you so much for reading this assuming you got this far? This is far from the last piece of the puzzle but this was written in December and is the last of the “Sober” journey for now. I think. I’m honestly not sure. But anyways happy new year! Oh and I hope you all like the new look! I know I love it!

Xoxo Hailey Marie