Dear Reader,
You probably think this is a Taylor Swift post especially if it reaches the main person in mind while writing it – though there are many in mind while writing this one is undeniably the one this letter is for. I was going to say something cheesy like if you received this then I’ve hurt you before… but I’m posting it here, aren’t I? So instead, if you understand the subliminal messages, if you felt a draw to this post. Blame me. Blame it on the stars, blame it on self-loathing or pity however you see it. I call this healing- I blame the older version of me who is constantly haunted by the things her younger self did to “survive”.
Intentionally or not – either way, I hurt you. Maybe we’ve talked it through maybe we haven’t. But know this much – our time was genuine. I feel the sting of pushing you out every fucking day… but I have respect for myself for doing what I should have done sooner. You were never mine. Maybe you are in the future after some growth on both our parts. However, this isn’t to critique my younger self or your younger self.
This is me saying I’m truly sorry – words mean nothing. I know that. I say that all the time. Prove it. Prove you’ve changed, prove you love me, prove you care, PROVE IT. Baby, I can’t. I will likely always exist as that damaged girl who needed healing in your world. Maybe I’m wrong. But it isn’t either of our places to try to undo what happened, how it ended. I just know I said things that I didn’t understand their power – or I did, and I just didn’t care because I was too busy trying to fight my own healing.
I never should have dragged it on the way I did. Constantly saying I love you and always and forever when I knew you weren’t mine. I knew it deep down. It was selfish and rude and I can’t unsee it. I say that to say… I did have some kind of bond with you that I didn’t even understand at the time. Now I see us… the one truth of it all is that I did see you for you, accept you for you. But that’s not my job… I’m not God I can’t heal what’s broken. I’m not you I can’t heal you. I’m only capable of breaking you more. And me. Words could never express the feelings I have about that.
In one more selfish act, I write this letter of apology… but I do so in the name of peace for both of us. Because I wish you nothing but the best. I’m not asking for forgiveness, nor for you to seek me out and welcome me back. I want you to find your peace, begin that journey, or continue it. Heal. Find your joy.
May your skies be forever clear.
The girl you never knew.
Stormy Ville 