Guilt, the demon I’ve yet to make peace with…

June 11, 2023

Dear Always,

                    I’ve been feeling guilty lately. I always (no pun intended) wanted you to be my first everything. My first love, my first kiss, the first person – that. I wanted you to be my first, only and last. But life had other plans.

                    My first love was more complicated than I care to admit, as was the second and even the third. My first kiss wasn’t in the woods under a sea of stars with my best friend. Instead, it was on top of a parking garage on a first – my very first date ever. I was too scared to stand up for myself so I lied and told him it was great and I was fine. I couldn’t stomach myself for months. This year? I did something unforgivable in my eyes. It broke a promise to you, myself, and God. It was supposed to be with you. That first – that was supposed to be you and I wanted to be delusional and try to make that guy you and I don’t know maybe it’s all a mind fuck. I honestly don’t have the answers for why. Why I did those things? Because I’m human? Because it’s natural? Because of all the right words?

                    Or maybe I am scared like my mom and counselor keep saying? Scared to go after you. The man I truly want and deserve because I feel undeserving, unworthy. Why, you ask? Because my health is a burden – my whole existence is simply a burden. My past, because I still feel some type of way for those who hurt me the most? The pain we caused each other wasn’t enough to wash away the feelings. Somehow that makes me a villain…in my mind. It’s all in my mind though isn’t it?

                    I don’t want you to be stuck with me like my family. My mind plays dirty tricks on me telling me that they’d leave if they had the opportunity. I mean hell, is it right? My body is the reason me and the one aunt I was actually becoming close to stopped talking. Because it flunked when she needed me. They (the demons, my best friends) tell me that if they (mom, dad, and brother) weren’t all I had then they’d leave. If they had no obligation to me, there would be no us. My presence has brought war to our family time and time again, even more so as I get older. I try to fight it…but I’m so tired of fighting love. They’re right? Especially when they hit me where it really hurts…you and our future children. “they’ll resent you if you make them sick. He’ll resent you for all of it especially if you can’t continue the bloodline, what’s a king without an heir?” I’d rather be alone and miserable than have you resent me. I couldn’t do that…

                    But it’s fair because I resent me too. I want the guilt and shame to go away. But existence is guilt. I’m a burden. There’s no way around it. I’m so scared of not being enough for you. All I have to offer is love undying, loyalty…like a dog XD. Respect. Brutal honesty. Your greatest lover, worst enemy, and best friend. The first one to be by your side for every battle; spiritual, mental, and physical. The person to hold you in the middle of the night just because you wanted to. A kiss in the rain and a bonfire under a blood moon. My heart is yours. All I ask is the same in return? I know I’m a lot so I apologize in advance…and I understand if you need less.

Xoxo forever.