What if I’m wrong?

05/22/26
Dear always,
I’ve had this nagging voice in my head for a while. One that won’t shut up, one that continues to torment me. One that is the bane of my existence. One that poses a question that both excites me and terrifies me all at the same time.
“What if I’m wrong? What if my person isn’t a him but a her? What if the reason I haven’t found you is because I’ve been hesitant to embrace the side of me I know is there? What if it’s not laid out how everyone wants it to be? What if?”
They say don’t ask the what ifs because those ghosts will haunt you forever but I have no other options. My identity is forever tied to those what ifs. What if I never try? And I’m forever miserable – forever regretful, forever missing a piece of who I am because I didn’t take that one little risk?
What if I do? What if I fall so hard and I’m right? And then I disappoint my family? Is that how it goes? Does my family dis us, call it a phase? I know it shouldn’t matter what they say, but I’m still scared. Does it rip us apart further? What happens then? Or worse do you, hypothetically if you are a woman, do you find my attraction to men a problem do you hate it? Do you rule me a fraud? Am I?
My own internal dialogue is confusing, they said I was just confused because of the abuse yet I liked girls long before. I read once that if your life felt like it’d be pointless without experiencing that one thing then it wasn’t a phase? Well, if I died today without experiencing it, I’d have to come back from the dead, just to fulfill my life.
If I’m wrong? Wrong about the nuclear wedding, the a-typical family, the by the book Christian girl dream. Would we still find each other? Is that what forever and always means? Every life time, every question, every gender, every soul. Right?
Emotions are confusing and life is weird. I wish it was more clear cut sometimes. I wish self discovery didn’t have to be so complicated, so scary. I wish that falling in love didn’t mean risking breaking your best friends heart or growing up didn’t mean seeing your pets pass away. If only it were all in a box? Would that make it easier, probably not.
XOXO forever